Red Vs Blue novelization season 1
by nomercy745
Summary: This is the story version of Rooster Teeth's Red Vs. Blue series.
1. Why are we out here?

Aurthors note: I do not own Halo, or Red Vs. Blue. I am not making money off of this. I decided to remake this due to numerous mistakes pointed out to me.

On a far off planet, in a desolate box canyon called Blood Gulch, two figures stood on top of a simple base. One of them, in maroon armor, turned to the one in orange armor, and spoke. "Hey, Grif."

" Yeah, Simmons." said the Spartan.

"You ever wonder why we're here?" came the reply.

"It's one of life's great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence, or is there a God watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know, man. But it keeps me up at night." mused Grif.

Simmons gave the other member of the Red Army the best glare he could with his head encased in a visored helmet and replyed. "What? I mean what are we out here, in this canyon."

"Oh. Uh...yeah." Grif mummbled while examining his boots.

"What was all that stuff about God?" asked Simmons. Grif shook his head. "You sure?" asked maroon super-solider. The suddenly mute statue next to him slowly nodded. They stood there silentley for a few minutes, until Simmons broke the silence. "Seriously though, why are we out here? Far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out."

Grif found his voice and said "Uh hmm."

"I mean, the only reason we set up a Red Base here, is because they have a Blue Base over there. And the only reason they have a Blue Base over there, is because we have a Red Base over here." Simmons said.

"Yeah. That's cause we're fighting each other." Grif said, pointing out the obvious.

"No no," said Simmons, shaking his head "I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and if they would come take our base, they would have_ two _bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoopdee-fucking-doo."

Grif shock his head and said with a laugh "What's up with that any way. I mean, I sign on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know, Master Chief's blown up the entire Covenant armada and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of blue guys."

Unknown to the chatting guards, two of the blue guys were watching them, the light reflecting weakly off the cobalt and cyan colored armor. The cyan Tucker peered over the colbalt Church's shoulder and asked for the hundreth time that hour, and they had been out there since midnight and it was almost noon, "What're they doing?"

Church lowered the sniper rifle he craddeled in his hands and shot Tucker a look and said "What?"

"I said 'What're they doing?'" Tucker repeated.

Church resisted the urge to kick Tucker where the sun don't shine and whispered "God damn. I'm getting so sick of answering that question!"

Tucker looked at Church and said with distain in his voice. " You have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't start to bitch at me cause I'm not gonna sit up here and play with my di-"

Church inturupted quickly. "Okay look, they're just standing there, and talking. That's all they're doing. That's all they ever do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So, five minutes from now, when you ask me, 'What are they doing?' my answer's gonna be, 'They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there.'"

Both fell silent for a few minutes before Tucker spoke again. "What're they talking about?"

Church replyed angrily "You know what? I fucking hate you."

Back over on Red Base, Simmons and Grif continued to shot the breeze. "Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding newer and intelligent forms of life, and you know, fight them." said Grif.

"Yeah, no shit. That's why they should put us in charge." agreed Simmons.

Then the red armored giant they knew only as Sarge ran up the acess ramp and hollered "Ladies, front and center on the double!"

Simmons swore and Grif said "Yes, sir!" while both double timed it to their commander.


	2. Red Gets a Delivery

A/N: I don't own RvB or Halo. If I find this on any other site without my permission, it won't be pretty.

Grif and Simmons ran over to the shotgun wielding red Spartan they called Sarge. "Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice cream social." bellowed Sarge. Grif and Simmons exchanged looks and Simmons said "Ice cream social?" "Stop the pillow talk you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today." "Uh… is it because the war's over and you're sending us home." Sarge turned to the soldier and said mockingly "That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the _BIG _hero and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float and Simmons here, IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!" Grif looked at the red figure and said "I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir." "Goddamn it, Private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!" Sarge tore into the idiot Red. "Oh I'd do it, too." said Simmons with an evil laugh. Sarge laughed at Grif's obvious discomfort and said "I know you would, Simmons. Good man." He pauses for effect. "Couple of things today ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost #1." Grif groaned "Oh crap. We're getting a rookie." Sarge continued with a smile at Grif's distress "That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we received the first part of our shipment from Command." Grif and Simmons looked at each other, worried. Knowing Sarge, the shipment could be anything from a new wrench to enough explosives to level the planet. Sarge turned to a nearby hill and called out "Lopez, bring up the vehicle." A loud roar filled the small canyon as Lopez drove a huge vehicle from behind the hill and parked it inches in front of the three soldiers. Both soldiers drooled until the saliva ran from their filters and Simmons called "Shotgun." "Shotgun." cried Grif, who swore when he realized that he was too late. Sarge cleared his throat and gestured to the vehicle "May I introduce our new light reconnaissance vehicle. It has four inch armor plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentleman, this is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the Warthog." Simmons acted puzzled and asked "Why Warthog, sir?" "Because M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son." Sarge said as calmly as he could, despite his rising blood pressure. "I know, but why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig." said Simmons. "Say that again." said Sarge through gritted teeth. "I think it looks more like a Puma." said the idiot Grif. "What in Sam Hell is a Puma?" exploded Sarge. "Uh…you mean like the shoe company?" asked Simmons. "No it's a big cat, like a lion." said Grif. "You're making that up." said Sarge. Grif countered with "I'm telling you, it's a real animal." Sarge turned to Simmons and said "Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal." "Yes, sir!" said Simmons eagerly. "Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks and what kind of animal has tusks?" explained Sarge. "A walrus." said Grif. "Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?" exploded Sarge.

Meanwhile, Church and Tucker watched them from among the rocks. "What is that thing?" whispered Tucker. "I don't know, man. Looks like they've got some sorta car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it." replied Church. Tucker sighed and said "A car? How come they get a car?" Church looked at him and answered "What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop." "You can't pick up chicks in a tank." moaned Tucker. Church looked at him and told him "Oh you know what? You could bitch about anything couldn't you? We're about to get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man? And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?" Tucker sighed and asked "What kind of car is it?" "I dunno, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a...uh...like a big cat of some kind." Church replied after checking the vehicle through his scope. "What like a puma?" asked Tucker. "Yeah, man, there you go." came the reply.

After a long winded argument over a name for the vehicle, Sarge decided to end it. He fired a blast from his shotgun into the air and said "So unless anybody has anymore mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're going to stick with the Warthog. How about it, Grif?" "No, sir. No more suggestions." came the meek reply from the Spartan. "Are you sure? How about Bigfoot?" teased Sarge. "It's okay." said Grif, knowing Sarge and Simmons were just getting started. "Unicorn?" said the armored red giant. "No really. I'm cool." said the embarrassed Spartan. "Sasquatch?" asked Sarge while Simmons put in "Leprechaun?" Grif pointed out, "Hey, he doesn't need any help, man." "Phoenix?" inquired Sarge. Grif muttered under his breath "Christ." Suddenly Sarge turned to Simmons and asked "Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats." "Uh… that would be the Chupacabra, sir." answered the butt-kissing subordinate. "Hey Grif, chupathingy! How about that? I like it, gotta ring to it." exclaimed Sarge. Grif just shook his head in shame.

A/N: Sorry guys for the wait. School and physical therapy have been killer.


	3. The Rookies

A/N: I don't own Halo or RVB.

It has been several days since the Warthog arrived at Red Base and Simmons and Grif were having their daily argument while waiting for the newbie to arrive."Hey, that's not exactly what happened!" protested the Spartan known as Simmons. "Yes, it is. You said 'I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant.' and the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for …." explained Grif. "Excuse me, uh, sirs?" piped a voice from behind them interrupting Grif mid-rant. The two hardened UNSC Marines nearly reached orbit as they jumped in surprise. They wheeled around; guns ready to fire, and saw a figure in bright red armor. For a second they thought it was Sarge, but quickly realized the figures armor had none of the scratches, dings, and nicks their leaders had acquired. In fact it looked like his armor had just rolled of the assembly line. "Sirs?" Inquired the puzzled Simmons. "Ah crap." Said Grif, realizing who stood before them. The figure said "I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's-in-charge." Grif lower his assault rifle and said "Sorry man. Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today." Simmons looked at Grif and said "Actually private, he left me in charge while he's gone." Grif punched Simmons in the arm and said "You are such a kiss-ass." Simmons glared at him and said "Also he told me if I had any trouble from you I should," he cleared his voice and continued in a farce of the Sarge's southern accent, "Git in the Warthog, 'nd crush yer head like a tomato-can." Grif just looked at him and said "That's the worst impression I've ever heard." Simmons ignored him and continued to grill the figure. "Okay rookie, what's your story?" he asked. The figure saluted and answered smartly, "Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens." Grif stared down Donut and said "Couple of things, rookie. First off, private Donut? I think someone needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?" Donut replied "This is the standard issue red." Grif bristled and replied "Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer." "Well, he's wearing red armor." Donut said pointing to Simmons, who was checking his gear. He looked up from his partially disassembled rifle and said dumbly "No, my armor is maroon. Your armor is red." Donut looked and asked them both "Well how do I get different color armor." Simmons sighed, turned to face the Blue Base at the far end of the canyon, and said "I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap."

At Blue Base Church, Tucker, and a Spartan-II in blue armor stood in front of a massive tank, in the middle of a heated argument. "So I say to the guy, 'how're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?' And he goes, 'I'll just put it on the ship' and I go, 'If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?'" said the blue figure. Tucker had enough of this argument. He turned to the blue figure and said "Hey kid." "Yeah." Said the figure leaning against the tanks treads. "You're ruining the moment. Shut up." Tucker said with an icy glare. "Oh. Okay. You got it man!" said the figure happily. "You know what? I could blow up the whole God damn world with this thing." said Church out of the blue.

Back at Red Base, Grif, Donut, and Simmons were just about to enter the base when Simmons had a brain wave. "Okay, Private Donut. Here's the deal." "I just refuse to call him Private Donut!" Grif muttered under his breath. Simmons continued if as he didn't hear, "We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?" Donut saluted and said "Absolutely!" Simmons continued "We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of Elbow Grease." Grif caught on and said "Yeah and um, pick up some Headlight Fluid for the Puma too." Donut tilted his head and asked "The what?" "He means the Warthog." Simmons explained. "You _DO _know where the store is, right rookie?" asked Grif. Donut looked worried and then said, "What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem." "Well, get going then." said Simmons. Donut took off across the base roof. Grif spoke up, "Other way." Donut dug his boots into the Quick-crete and took of in the opposite direction saying, "I know that. Just, got turned around, that's all." Grif and Simmons watched as the rookie jumped off the roof and tore off into the Gulch. Simmons turned to Grif and asked "How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?" Grif shrugs and said, "I say, at least a week." Meanwhile Donut stopped near the middle of the canyon, looked back at the base, and said, "Elbow Grease, how stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that Headlight Fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant."

Back at Blue Base, the three Spartans were continued the old argument. "You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece." said Tucker. Church shook his head and asked "Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?" "Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets." answered Tucker.

Back at Red Base, Grif and Simmons were discussing the rookie. "You think that we were too mean to the kid?" asked Simmons. Grif shook his head and said, "Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?" Meanwhile, Donut climbed a slight rise and spotted a short building with a tank parked nearby. He said with glee, "Finally, there it is. Oh sweet! They sell tanks!"

A/N: I know they wear helmets, but they are trained to read the body language of anyone.


	4. Head Noob in Charge

A/N: I don't own RVB. Watch Season 9 out summer 2011 and look out for Halo: Anaversery and Halo 4.

Church, Tucker, and the new blue Spartan-II were standing next to the tank, outside their base, talking. Church spoke up "Yeah I'll let you in on a little secret, I've uh... I've actually got a girl back home." Tucker perked up and asked "Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?" Church shook his head and said "No, man, she's just my girlfriend, ya know? We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out, and... ah, you know how it works." "Oh, well, you gonna marry her when you get back?" asked Tucker. Before Church could answer him, the rookie interuptted them, "I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Church turned toward the newbie, and said "Hey rookie... did you just call my girlfriend a cow?" Tucker, seizing the advantage, spoke up "No, I think he called her a slut!" Church beat down the urge to ripoff the rookie's arms and beat him to death with them and said "I'll tell you what noob, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do." The rookie jumped with joy and said "Great!" Church started to explain, "See, we've got this General." "Right, the General guy." said Tucker, his voice laden with sarcasm. Church continued "...who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention, just in case he decides to come by." "When is he comming by?" asked the rookie. Tucker and Church shook their heads, not believing that he fell for it. Tucker answered the newbie. "We never know. Could be today, could be a week from know." The new Spartan-II just asked "You want me to stand at attention for a week?" "You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base. You're gonna be right there with the flag." "What's so important about the flag?" asked the new guy, showing some sign of a brain. Church thought quickly, hoping to salvage his plan before it crumbled. He quickly said, "Oh, come on, don't they teach guys anything in training?" "They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?" the rookie. "Because it's the flag, man, you know, it's the f... it's the flag, it's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important." "Well, it's... it's complicated. Wuh... It's blue, we're blue." said Tucker, thinking on his feet. "It's just important, okay, trust us. So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag." said Church with finality. "Right." said the newbie. Church summed everything up so that a brain dead monkey, or the recruit, could understand "So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him." With that the recruit turned toward the base and started to head inside. But half way there, he turned back to the other Blue Spartans. "Uh, how will I know when I see him?" he asked. "There's only three of us out here, rookie. He's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us." answered Tucker. "Now get in there, and don't come out!"Church said, turning toward Tucker. "Man, that guy is dumber than you are." "You mean he's dumber than you are." Tucker retorted. Church just looked at him and said "Wow, Tucker, that was a great come-back." Behind them the rookie amerged from the shadows inside the base. He shouted across the distance "Uh, mister Church? Sir?" Church groaned, turned toward the base, and shouted "Oh my God, WHAT! Tucker, I swear, I'm gonna kill him!" The answer from the rookie came across the distance. "Sorry about calling your girl a slut..." Church shouted back, his patience finally gone. "ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY, GET IN THERE!" Tucker turns around and starts laughing. Church wheels around to face the back plate of a suit of MJOLNIR armor. "Tucker, are you laughing at me?" Church asked the back of the Spartan-II, angry at his teammate.

Meanwhile, the rookie Red, Donut, walked up behind Church. "Excuse me, sir, can I ask you a question?" asked the Red Spartan. Church, not even turning around, said "Dear God in Heaven, rookie, if I turn around, and you are not inside, I... I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!" Donut asked "What did I do?" Church said "One..." Donut started to complain" Aw, gimme a break." "TWO!" continued Church. "Fine." said Donut, walking into the 'store'.

The Blue rookie jumped when a figure in red armor walked in to the center room. "Wow... you got here fast." the Blue Spartan said. "Why is everyone so freakin' rude in this canyon." Donut wondered out loud. "I'm not sir, What can I do for you?" asked the Blue. Donut finally noticed the soldier next to the flag. "Finally, someone with a little respect around here." he said. "Yes Sir! I assume you're here because of this..." The Blue rookie said pointing to the still flag. "Wait, is this all you have?" asked the suddenly nervous Spartan-II, looking around. "Uh, yes sir, that's it!" said the Blue rookie, worried that he missed something. "Aw man, this figures. Shit. What about Elbow Grease?" asked Donut. "Uhhmmmm..." came the reply, as the Blue didn't know what the 'General' meant by 'Elbow Grease'. "Headlight Fluid?" asked Donut hopefully. "No, all we have is this flag." said the Blue. "Well, I can't go back empty handed... I guess I'll take that." said Donut. "Sure... that makes sense. I guess." Said the Blue with a shrug. Donut grabbed the flag and left muttering "Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag."

Back outside, Church and Tucker were talking about their new tank. "Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker." said Church. "Me? I can't drive that thing." said Tucker, ashamed. "You're telling me you're not Armor Certified?" asked the shocked Spartan-ll. "I ca- I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle. Don't you know how to drive that?" asked Tucker. "No! Holy Crap! WHO IS RUNNING THIS ARMY!" exclaimed the head of the Blood Gulch Blue Base. The Blue rookie ran from the base saying "Hey! Just wanted to let you know, the General stopped by, and picked up the flag!" Church just waived him off. "Yeah. Okay. Whatever moron! Why would they give us a tank, if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? ...Wait a second... what did he just say?" Church said, finally relizing what their rookie said. He and Tucker stared at each other as the fact sunk in.


	5. The Package is in the Open

A/N: I don't own Red Vs. Blue. Rooster Teeth does.

Over at Blue Base, Church and Tucker were in a state of shock, while the Blue rookie had a smug smile of confidence. After a few moments, Tucker climbed the base with a sniper rifle to look for the flag.

"Let me me get this straight. You gave that guy... our flag." said Church to the rookie.

The rookie replied "Is that bad?"

"Bad? Oh no, that's not bad. Next time he commes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole God Damn base?" said Church, his voice laden with sarcasm.

On top of the simple base Tucker was scanning the canyon with the sniper rifle. Suddenly he spotted a flash of blue. "There, there he is." he called to his teammates below.

Church climbed up next to him and peeked through the scope. "Where... oh, yeah, oh I got him. He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs." Church observed.

Tucker nodded. "He must be one smart son of a bitch." he noted.

Over by the edge of the cliffs, Donut scratched the back of his helmet. "Oh, man, I am so freakin' lost. Where the hell is the base?" he wondered out loud.

Back over at the Blue Base, Church and Tucker where discussing their options, while the rookie sat on the side. "Oh, shit... Hey Tucker, look at his armor. It's Red." noted Church.

Tucker groaned. "Oh man, that means it's their Sergent." he complained.

"Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defences." said Church.

The rookie picked up his head and pointed out the obvious. "Uh you know, he came in the back door where you guys were standing." he said.

The both of them shrugged him off. "Yeah, okay, well let's take him out then" said Tucker.

"Roger that. Okay, say goodnight Sarge." said Church, shouldering the sniper rifle. He fired all four shots, and all missed Donut.

Donut had to clean out his armor leggings once all the bullets stopped flying. "Son of a bitch!" he swore, realizing the bullets had come from the 'store'.

"Aw crap." said Church, shacking his head. He could feel Tuckers eyes burning twin holes in the back of his helmet. "What?" he asked the other Spartan-II.

Tucker shook his head and said "You're really not very good with that thing, are you."

Donut decided that they must think he stole the flag. "HEY! It's me! Don't shoot! I'm the guy that bought the flag, remember!" he shouted, waving the flag. His voice didn't reach the base.

Tucker looked through the newly reloaded sniper rifle's scope. "Oh great, now he's taunting us. That's embarassing." he groaned, watching the waving flag.

"Alright, thats it, I've had it. Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass." said Church, outlining his plan.

"Right!" said the rookie with glee.

"Tucker, you ready? Let's go." Church said to his fellow Blue Spartan.

"There is no way I'm going through that thing." said the battle hardened UNSC Marine, slowly backing away.

Church sighed in fustration. "Tucker we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?" he asked.

"I don't know, why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?" Tucker asked, proving a point.

"We already tested the teleportrt, remember?" Church reminded Tucker. Church remembered fondly those simple days.

"We threw rocks throug it!" shouted the distressed Spartan-II.

"Yeah, and, so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?" pointed out the leader of the base.

"Yeah, but they were all hot, and covered with black stuff." said Tucker, pointing to the pile of scourched rocks that they like to launch toward the Red Base every now and then.

"Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then, you're afraid of a little black stuff." said Church, realizing what was going on.

"Yes. I am. I am afraid of black stuff." admited the iron-tough Spartan supersoldier.

Church sighed, knowing he had only one choice left. "Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you." he said, raising his sidearm until it pointed right in the middle of his fellow Blues visor.

Tucker took a step back. He said "You wouldn't..."

"You know, I look at it this way: either A, we go through there, and get the flag back, or B, we stay here and I get to kill you. Either way, I win." Church said with a smug tilt of his head.

Tucker glared at his superior. "For the record, I want you to know, rock aren't people." he said, with an air of finality.

Church anknowledged him with a nod. "Duly noted. Now get in there." he said, gesturing toward the teleporter with his pistol.

"Crap... Alright. One, two..." said Tucker as he ran face first through the teleporter. He vanished and failed to appear on the far side.

"...Huh, he didn't come out the other side..." said the rookie with a puzzeled expresion.

Church rubbed the back of his helment. "Yeeeaaaahhhhhh, I've uh, I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter." he said. With that he jumped off the base and took after Donut. After a half dozen steps he turned back to face the rookie back on top of his base. "Okay, Rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!" he shouted to the rookie.

Back over at Red Base Simmons and Grif were argueing again, this time about gun shots. "I still have no idea what you're talking about. I didn't hear any shots." said Simmons.

Grif sighed. "I'm telling you it was four shots. Like bam, bam, bam." he said.

Simmons did a quick count and said "Wait a second, that's only three bams.

Grif shot him a look and said "Bam." Looking out into the canyon, he spotted a figure in the distance. "Wait a second, we've got a Blue guy on the move out there." he told Simmons.

Simmons looked out at the figure. "Wher's he headed?" he asked.

Grif looked and reconized the figure. "Oh crap... It... it's Donut. And he's got something..." he said. He zooms in and sees the flag. "It looks like... Simmons, get the Warthog." he told his teammate.

Simmon was confused. "Hey, you mean the Puma?" he asked to clarify.

Grif shot him a look as they race to the Warthog. "Yeah, keep making jokes, That'll win the war." he said as the jumped in the vehicle, and drove off.


	6. 121 Gigawhats?

A/N: Don't own Halo. But to those who work at Bungie: I can help acheive step 8!

Grif was looking at a distant figure when he realized who it was. "Oh crap... It it's Donut. And he's got something..." he said, noticing something in their rookies hands. He zoomed in with his pistol and reconized the Blue Flag. "It looks like... Simmons, get the Warthog." he told the maroon Spartan-II.

"Heh, you mean the Puma?" asked Simmons, cracking wise. For that he got a punch on top of his head.

In the center line of the canyon, near the cliff wall, Church caught up with Donut. "Freeze!" he shouted, pointing his gun at the back of the Red.

Donut wheeled around, facing the head of Blue Base. "Hey, why the hell are you shooting at me? You coulda hit me, dick!" he shouted.

"Can it. Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge. I know who ya are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now." said Church, letting slip that the Blues had three weeks of intel on the Reds.

Donut stared at Church like he had escaped from an insane asylum. "I just got here two hour ago. And I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private." said the Red Spartan.

Church shook his head with disbelief. "Wait a minute! You're not the Sergeant!" he shouted at Donut.

Donut slapped the heel of his hand against his visor. "Yeah, that's what I just said." he said.

Church just noticed the object that brought him out into the canyon, his bases Flag. "Well then, how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?" he asked as he made a grab for the flag.

Donut leaned back, away from Churchs reach. "Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about!" he said.

Suddenly Tucker apeared out of the teleporter, covered in a set of blackend, smoking, armor, that glowed where it _**shouldn't **_been glowing. He came out shouting "THREE!".

Both Spartans jumped back, almost having massive heart attacks. "JESUS!" shouted Church.

"HOLY SHIT!" Who is this guy?" asked Donut, clutching at his heart.

Church took a long look at the (now) Black Spartan. "What in the hell! Tucker? Is that you?" he asked.

Tucker shock his head to clear it. He turned to his C.O. and asked him "How did you get up here ahead of me?"

Donut blurted out the one question to the one fact that stumps both armies to this day. "And what's with that black shit on your armor?" he asked.

"Hey. Freeze Sarge!" said Tucker, pointing his pistol straight at the Red rookies visor.

Donut paled under his Mark-V Armor. "Would you stop calling me a Sergeant, I'm still just a Private." he said slowly backing off.

Tucker straightened in surprise. "The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time." he said with awe in his voice.

Back over at Red Base Grif and Simmons were prepping the Warthog to depart. Lopez was standing off to the other side, glaring at them. Griff noticed his look. "Sorry Lopez, we need the jeep." he said, which didn't help the silent Spartan's mood.

Simmons said "I'll take gunner..." He hopped behind the chaingun mounted on the vehicle. He reached over and tapped Grifs shoulder. "... let's roll." Grif started the Warthog and they tore off, upbeat music playing. As they did Simmons shouted back at Lopez "Don't worry Lopez, I'll bring her back in one piece." The silent figure somehow doubted that.

Meanwhile Grif was trying to stop the anoying music. "How do you turn off the fucking radio in this car?" he asked Simmons as he pounded on the radio with his armored gaunlet.

Back over at the Blues and Donut, Church and the Red was staring in disbelief as Tucker went on a rambling rant. "Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Some time in your future I get stationed here in Blood Gulch, and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to Sargeant of the Red Army, and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep, and I'm all like 'There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!'" he said.

Church looked at his 2nd-in-command like he had gone off the deep end. "Tucker? What the fuck are you babbling about?" he asked, preparing to subdue Tucker just in case he got violent.

Tucker sighed, knowing he must slow down for the 'people of the past'. "I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sargeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals a flag while we're distracted." he said slowly.

Donut looked at Church. "Is this guy a retard?" he asked the Blue Spartan-II.

Church tried to talk over the increasingly loud music. "Red? Shut up. Tucker? Listen to me. Ya haven't gone back in time, okay? This is the guy who stole the flag, he's just not the Sargeant. Turns out, he's just some dumb rookie, who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow, just g... for God's sakes, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!" he said.

Suddenly the Warthog jumps over the hill, right by Church. "Woohoo!"exclaimed an excited Grif from behind the wheel.

Tucker jumped backward, nearly tripping. "Holy Shit!" he cried.

Church quickly recoverd. "Son of a bitch! Run! Jesus! Run!" he shouted as he scrambled for cover.

"The jeep followed me back in time!" shouted Tucker as he followed Church.

Grif hops out and starts firing at the fleeing Blues. Simmons is copying him, but with significantly more firepower. "Ah! Git! The ah! Eeh!" stuttered Church as he tried not to get hit from the Reds.

"What the hell is going on here?" Grif asked Donut while reloading.

"You know what, I honestly have no idea what's going on. I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane." said Donut from behind the Warthog.

"How did you get their flag?" asked Grif, wondering exactly that. How in the world did the rookie get the flag they have been trying to get for years.

Donut sighed and told him the truth. "I don't know, I just asked for it." he said.

Grif did a double take. "Wait, that worked?" he asked him in shock.

"I guess. Is it not supposed to?" Donut asked?

Griff shrugged. "I don't know, we, we never even though to try that. Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there." he said.

Donut shook his head. "Not until someone tells me what the fuck is goi-" he said.

Before he could finish Grif interupted him. "There's no time to explain, rookie! Just take the flag, and go to base! I'll explain everything there." he ordered.

Donut humphed and said, "Fine...!". He took off in the canyon, heading for... Blue base.

"Hungh, back to our base, dumbass!" he shouted as he resumed fire on the blues.

Donut did an about face and ran back toward Red Base. He shouted as he ran by the Warthog, "Uh,I know that, I just got turned around, that's all."

All the while in the background Simmons could be heard. "That's right! That's right, I got your ass! Get off your ass and run, you cock bites! Right now! Yeah, not so pretty when you gotta run are you! Yeah, that's right. Stay there. You know where you flag is? We're gonna get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, blue! Come on, get out there! I've got a whole barrel of love to shoot you with! Come on! Get out now! Yeah, come on out! I know you like this! Come out where I can get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, blue! Be tough, get out there!" he roared over the thunder of the chain gun.

Back over at Blue Base, the Blue rookie was watching the whole thing through the scope of the sniper rifle. "Oh man, thats not good." he said. He pans over to the jeep. "Oh my God, That jeep has a really big gun." he said as he put down the sniper rifle. "Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank... Ah, screw it." he said, tacking off toward the new tank.

Back where the action is, Church and Tucker have found shelter behind a rock. The rock was slowly being withered away by the continues pounding of .50 cal rounds. "Well, we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run outta bullets some time..." Church told Tucker.

Meanwhile, Simmons continued his verbal assult. "Yeah, get going, take that! I know you like that there, come out! Come here! Poke your head up! Come on blue! Get your head out there!" he hollered.

A/N: Please review.


	7. Check out the treds on That Tank

A/N: As always I don't own RVB, Rooster teeth does, but I am looking for a job if they are hiring! Also sorry for the wait. I have been preparing to have foot surgery AGAIN!

At Blue Base, their rookie was watching the action throught the sniper rifle. "Oh my God, that jeep has a really big gun." he said as he slowly put the rifle down. "Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank... Ah, screw it." he declares, heading for the tank.

In the middle of the canyon, near the cliff wall, two Blues were hiding behind a rock that was slowly being chipped away by the .50 cal rounds of the Warthogs chaingun. Church shock his head. ""My God, Doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?" he thought aloud.

Tucker looked at his C.O. "You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank." he said.

Church shook his head. "Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?" he asked.

"Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy." Tucker said as a burst of rounds went over their heads chipping at their shields.

Church sighed for Tucker was right. "Well, yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya." he admitted.

Back at Blue Base, the rookie had just jumped into the new tank. As he closed the hatch a soft female voice issued from the speakers. "Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila." it said.

The rookie looked around nervously for the source of the voice. He quickly realized that the voice came from the tank. "Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady." he said.

The A.I. Sheila sent the electronic version of a shrug through her cuircuts. "Would you like me to run the tutorial program?" she asked her driver.

"Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you." said the rookie, nodding. As he nodded his helmet hit the hatch on top of him, denting it.

Sheila sighed at the damage to her 'body'. "Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of the Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving." she said with a note of irritation in her voice.

The rookie nodded, denting the hatch even more. "Okay." he said.

Back over near the canyon wall, Simmons was still wearing away the rock that the two Blues were trapped behind and Gif was on the ground behind him. "Simmons. SIMMONS!" he shouted trying to get the Spartans attention.

Simmons realized that Griff was trying to grab his attention. He stopped firing and hopped down. "Man, that thing is loud." said Grif to Simmons.

Unfortuantly, the only thing Simmons heard was a high pitch ringing from the gun. "WHAT?" he shouted.

As this was going on, Sheila rolled by behind them. Grif shook his head. "Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get'em out." he told his deafend teammate.

"OKAY." said Simmon, his hearing slowly returning.

"Keep it down! Jesus. Let's go, before they figure out what's going on." Grif said. They armed their assult rifles and crept toward the rock.

Meanwhile, the rookie had somehow got Sheila stuck ontop of a rock. He tried without sucess to get her of the lump of bedrock. "Now that you've mastered driving the M808Z, let's move on to some of the safety features." said Sheila with a sigh. Even she could not explain how the rookie got her stuck. She processed the electronic equivelent of a wince as her sensors reported that her underarmor was about to collapse.

The rookie starts to panic. "No, no, wait, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?" he shouted in the confined space of the tank cockpit.

Back at the rock Church noticed that the Warthog's gun had finally stopped firing. "Psst, hey, they stopped fiiring." he whispered to Tucker.

"Why are you whispering?" Tucker asked his commanding officer.

Church shrugged. "Uhm... I don't know." whispered the Spartan-II.

Further down the cliff's base Grif and Simmons were lost. "Aw, crap, I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way." Griff admitted.

Simmons gritted his teeth. "Tell me again, uh, why did we get out of the jeep?" he asked his teammate. Unknown to the two Red Spartans, Sheila rolled up behind them.

"Well, I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long." Grif said. Behind them, Sheila's turrent aimed at Grif then slowly moved to Simmons.

Simmons slapped Grif on the back of his helmet. "Well at least that was fun." he said. Suddenly they sensed something was behind them. They turned as one and found a tank was aiming at them.

Both hardened UNSC Marines had to fight the urge to soil them selves. "Holy crap. What in God's name is that thing?" Grif wondered out loud.

Back behind the rock, Tucker and Church stared at the empty Warthog. Church shook his head at what Tucker said. "Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out." he said.

But Tucker wouldn't back down. "No they're not, look: they left the jeep. They're gone." he pointed out.

Church sighed. "Well, I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy, but... alright srew it, lett's go get it." he concided.

Grif and Simmons stood still in front of the Tank. "Dude hold still. I don't think it sees us." Grif sent over a private COM-channel to Simmons.

Inside of Sheila's cockpit, the Rookie looked at a screen showing what he was aiming at. Currently the crosshairs were centered on Grof's head. From the speakers in the tank issued the tone indicating that Sheila had target lock.


	8. Don't Ph34r the Reaper

A/N: Sorry for the long wait. My life has just been hell, and I lost the spark to write this story for a while. As allways I don't own RVB.

Grif and Simmons were standing at the cliff's foot, frozen in fear of the tank that was pointing the barrel of its cannon first at Grif, then to Simmons. "Why is it just sitting there?" asked a petrified Grif.

"Just trying to mess with our heads." Simmons told his teammate. "Let's get back to the Warthog."

Inside the tank the confused Rookie was still trying to figure out Sheila's controls. "Auto-fire, auto-fire, here, here! No, wait... okay that's more a switch than a button..." he said to himself.

Overlapping the Rookies words, Sheila let out a warning. "This will end the tutorial, and should only be activated if proper safety procedures..."

Back over near the sheer vertical walls of the cliffs, Simmons and Grif were getting ready to dash back to their Warthog. "Okay, you ready?" Simmons asked Grif. The orange colored Spartan nodded his head. "Lets do this on three." Simmons told his fellow Red.

Grif held up his hands. "Wait. On three? Or three and then go?" he asked.

Simmons thought about it for a few seconds. "On three. It's always faster to go on three." he decided.

Grif nodded in confirmation. "Okay, okay. On three." he said.

At Sheila's control panel, the Blue Rookie found the big red button labeled _AUTO-FIRE_. "Here!" he shouted out with glee, pressing it.

Sheila let out a warning. "Tutorial deactivated. Auto-fire activated."

"Ready?" Simmons asked Grif. Grif nodded his head.

"Acquiring target." Sheila said.

Behind the crumbling rock, Church told Tucker "I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.".

"One..." started slowly started backing away which quickly evolved into a full blown, scrambling run.

Once Grif started running, Sheila's turret snapped on to him and started tracking him. "Target acquired." she told the Rookie.

Grif somehow managed to hear Sheila. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit..." he yelled as he scrambled to the Warthog.

Meanwhile the oblivious maroon Spartan continued counting. "Two..." he said.

Finally Sheila managed to get a lock onto the fleeing Spartan's backside. "Target locked." she said.

Hidden from view, Church was only a couple of yards away from the Warthog.

Simmons had finished counting. "Three!" he finished. He turned to run and saw that his teammate had already fled. "Oh, you back-stabbing cock bite!" he swore, stamping his boot print into the dirt.

"Firing main cannon." Sheila said. Her main cannon roared and sent a round straight into the body of the Warthog. The vehicle was ingulfed in a massive explosion.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Simmons, Grif, and Church yelled at the same time, and all needed to to change out their armor.

Back at Red Base, Lopez winced as the boom of the explosion bounced across the canyon. He knew that it was the death knoll for the Warthog.

"Firing main cannon." Sheila said again, as her main gun fired, just missing Grif.

"Shit!" shouted Simmons, deafened by the firing of the cannon.

"Firing main cannon." Shelia said, ths time missing Grif just by mere inches.

"Dammit!" Simmons swore again, this time driven to his knees by the sharp peircing pain in his ears from the sound of the massive cannon firing just feet from his head.

"Firing main cannon." Sheila said once again. She threaded the needle by having the round miss by having it go between Grif's legs.

Church, having quickly recovered, ran back to Tucker behind their shot-up rock. "Hey dude, the jeep blew up." Tucker said.

Church smacked Tucker on the back of the head. "No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker." he said as he panted for breath.

Meanwhile, Simmons and Grif had rejoined behind their own rock. "Firing main cannon." Sheila said. This time the round hit dead on, shearing the rock in half.

"Hey, I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep, and sneak around the back of the rock..." Simmions started, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Firing main cannon." Sheila said, taking the top of the rock off.

"... Great plan you idiot!" he finished smaking Grif in the back of the head.

Sheila scanned the rock. "All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target." she said with a smug sence of satisfaction in her voice. Her turrent started moving up and to the left.

Church peared around the edge of the rock and saw their Rookie sitting inside their tank. He turned and waved Tucker over. "Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And brought the tank to scare off the reds."

"What? No way!" he said, rushing over to look over Church's shoulder.

Church stepped out from behind the crumbling boulder. "Hey rookie, good job man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?" he shouted at the tank.

Slowly Sheila's turrent panned up to Church. "New target acquired." she said with her turrent setteling on Church.

Rookie scratched his head. "That's not a target. That's Church." he told Sheila.

Church heard his name. "Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man!" he yekked down to the Rookie.

"Target locked." Sheila announced, locking onto the one thing on Church that should never get hit by anything, let alone a cannon shell filled with high explosives.

Frantically, the Rookie tried to disable Sheila's auto-fire. "What? No. Target unlock. Unlock! Please help me nice lady." he pleaded with Sheila.

"Firing main cannon." Sheila said.

"Uh oh..." Tucker and Rookie said together.

"What? Oh, son of a bi-" Church started saying, getting interupted by him getting hit with the shell right where Sheila aimed it. He was thrown high into the air and landed with a sickening thud back where he once stood.

Tucker scrambled over to where Church laid. "Holy Fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me, Church! You Shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!" he shouted to the Rookie.

The Rookie finally managed to kill the auto-fire function. "Auto-fire sequence deactivated." Sheila said.

Church laid there bleeding to death. "Tucker! ...Tucker!" he said with a hoarse whisper.

Tucker nealt down next to his dying commander. "Church! It's going to be okay, man." he tried to comfort Church.

Church slowly shook his head. "No. Ah... I'm na, I'm not gonna make it. Tucker, there's something I need to tell you." He whispered.

"What is it?" Tucker asked, bending closer.

"I just want you to know, I always hated you. I always hated you the most." Church whispered.

Tucker straightened and stood. "Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick." he said with a bit of a smile.

Church nodded. "Okay. Herk... Bleah!" he said with his last breath. Thus passed Church.


	9. After Church

A/N: I don't own Rooster Teeth and they own RVB.

After scrambling from their mostly demolished boulder, Simmons and Grif ran up the ramp to the roof of the Red Base to where Donut was waiting with the flag. "What happened?" the red Spartan asked.

"Big... Tank... Shooting... Whooooh!" Grif panted, out of breath.

Simmons shook his head sadly. "Damn, man, we only ran like three hundred feet. You are really out of shape." he told the bent over Marine.

"Fuck... You..." Grif said, mustering enough energy to shoot Simmons the bird.

Donut realized something was missing. "Where's your car?" he asked.

"General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind." Simmons said, jerking his thumb at the recovered Red Soldier.

"Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up." Grif pointed out.

"You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?" Donut asked.

Suddenly a explosion rocked the base and the flaming wreak of the Warthog landed between Donut and the others. "What the hell?" asked Grif as they all backed away from the flaming jeep.

An other explosion sounded and the jeep was pushed across the roof and the three Reds dove behind the barricades linning the roof. "Son of a bitch!" swore Grif.

Donut peered around the edge and shat his armor at the sight of the Blue's tank. "Holy crap! What the hell is that thing?" he asked, his face paler than normal under the armor.

Grif peered through a shrapnel hole in his barricade an saw what Donut saw. "That's the tank!" he said with a touch of hysteria in his voice.

The tank fired again, finally pushing the tank through the huge skylight in the roof of Red Base. Donut suddenly reailzed he was holding what the Blues had come for. "Hey uh, Grif uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?" he asked his fellow Red.

Grif saw what Donut was trying to do and realized if he took the flag he might as well paint a bulls-eye on his chest. "No, keep that away from me!"he said, scrambling as far away as he could from the offered flag.

Fifty feet away, inside of Sheila, Tucker and the Rookie were huddled at her controls. "Why do you keep firing at the jeep?" Tucker asked the Rookie.

"Because it's locked on!" Rookie shouted over the noise of the engine.

"Target locked." Sheila said as she locked onto the base's door.

"Well unlock it." Tucker sugested.

"Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!" Rookie reminded Tucker, the Blues new C.O.

Tucker paled under the armor. "Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then." he said.

Donut was crouched behind his barricade in his soiled armor. "I hate to be the one to point this outguys, but I think we're srewed." he told the others as an explosion rocked the base and the door was blown into pieces.

"Yeah. I have to agree with the rookie on this one." Simmons said as they all prepared to face defeat.

Suddenly their radios activated. "Blood Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant-" said the gruff voice of Sarge.

Grif keyed his comm system. "Oh my god, Sarge, is that you?" he asked with relief.

"Roger that, Private. I am currently in-bound to your position from Command." Sarge informed his team.

Simmons activated his own comms. "Sir, this is Simmons." he told Sarge.

"Hello Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone." Sarge said, hoping to get a yes.

"Actually sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived, and somehow he managed to infiltrate the blue base, and now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged, one of their guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base." Simmons admitted, rubbing the back of his head.

For a long time the only reply they got was static. Finally sarge answered. "Am I talkin' to the right base?" the red Spartan asked.

Grif had enough. They had only a short time until the tank started firing again and leveled the entire base. "Sarge, we, are going, to die here." he told the Red C.O

"Well then hold tight boys. I think I gotta solution to your little 'tank' problem." Sarge informed them.

A Pelican suddenly flew in low over Red Base. "Uh oh." he said as he climbed out of Sheila. He turned back and saw the rookie still sitting in the doomed tank. " Hey Caboose, you might wanna get out of the tank. Like now." he told the blue Spartan.

The rookie, whose name was Caboose, was rapidly pushing buttons and flipping switches. "I can't figure out how to get this thing open!" he yelled, panic creeping into his voice.

"Night vision engaged." Sheila announced.

Tucker roared at Caboose "Rookie, get out now.".

Shells started exploding closer and closer to Sheila. "Okay, open the duh, okay, Sheila, will you please open the door?" Caboose asked with panic.

The hatch opened above Caboose's head. "Driver canopy open." Sheila said as Caboose scrambled out of her and took of toward Tucker. "Thank you for using the M808b main battle ta-" She started to say, being cut off by a shell hitting her engine and flipping her onto her turrent.

"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap running, running, running." Caboose said as he ran toward Tucker. "Man, that was close." he told Tucker as he slid to a stop.

Tucker shook his head. "Look at your tank though." he said pointing to the wreacked Sheila.

Sheila was smashed almost beyond repair. "I'm scared Dave. Will I dream? Daisy... Daisy..." she said, her voice distorting and elongating as she finally ran out of power.

"Sheeeeiilaaaaa! Nooooo!" Caboose wailed.

"What? No! Sheila! Sheila!" Tucker cried. Then he realized something. "Wait... who's Sheila?" he asked the disraught Caboose.

Caboose sniffed back a tear. "Sheila's the lady in the tank. She was my friend..." he said as he broke down.

Tucker stood there, letting the fact sink in. Finally he spoke, stamping his foot. "Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!" he said, only to have Caboose's fist slam into his visor, sending him sprawling.


	10. A Shadow of His Former Self

A/N: I don't own Red Versus Blue, hell I can't even vote yet!

At the Blue Base, Tucker was on the roof, trying to get a link to Command. "Come in, Blue Command. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?" he asked through his radio.

Meanwhile, Caboose was running a cloth over Tuckers armour. "Ok, that is the last of it. Your armour is clean now!" Caboose told him.

"Did you get all the black stuff off?" Tucker asked Caboose, as he looked himself over.

Suddenly, Tuckers radio sounded. "This is Blue Command. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha." said Vic, sitting at his console.

Tucker nearly fainted with relief. "Hello, Command! We need help!" he shouted through his radio.

"Roger that, Blood Gulch. What is your request?" Vic asked as he pulled up the Request for Help form.

"I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but we're pretty fucked up down her. We need men!" Tucker told Vic.

At first, the only reply got was a long, akward pause. Then Vic spoke up again. "Dude, how long have you guys been down there?" he asked.

Tucker facepalmed himself. "No, no, no, not like that! We need more men to help us." he clarified.

Vic nodded, realizing his mistake. "Roger that. did you get the tank we sent?" Vic asked.

"Yeah, that got blown up too." Tucker informed Command.

Vic whistled. "Wow. Sucks to be you." he said.

Tucker shook his head. "Yeah, we know." he said.

Vic looked at his screen and saw there were only two solutions to their problem. "Ok, here's what I can do. The nearest Blue forces can be there in 16 days or I-" he started to say.

"16 days? That's almost two weeks!" Tucker exploded, interupting Vic.

"_Or _I can hire a nearby freelancer and get him there within a few hours." Vic continued, pissed at Tucker.

"I like the 'in an hour' one." said Caboose, who was listening in on the transmission.

Tucker agreed with the rookie. "Yeah, me too. Roger that, Command. We prefer the quicker solution." he told Vic.

"10-4, Blood Gulch. We'll contact freelancer Tex and have him there post-haste. Command out." Vic told them, before signing off.

"Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank." Tucker tried to tell Vic, but the line was already dead.

"What's a freelancer?" Caboose asked Tucker.

"Freelancers are independent. They're not red or blue. They're just guns for hire who'll fight for whoever has the most money." Tucker told Caboose.

Caboose nodded. "Like a mercenary." he said.

"Right. Or like your mom when the rent's due." Tucker joked.

There was a long pause before Caboose got the joke. "Oh, that's funny." he laughed.

"Yeah? You didn't think that was too obvious?" Tucker asked.

"No, no, not at all. It was good." Caboose reasured Tucker.

Slowly, a semi-transparent figure faded into view between Tucker and Caboose. "Tucker... Tucker..." the apparition said in a ghostly voice.

Tucker jumped back, almost scared out of his armour. "Who the hell are you?" he asked the figure.

"I am the ghost of Church, and I've come back with a warning!" Church said.

"You're not Church! Church is blue. You're white." Caboose said, getting in the ghost's face.

"Rookie, shut up, man! I'm a freakin' ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?" Church shouted in his normal voice, pissed.

"Yeah, that's definitely him." Tucker said, nodding his head.

"Now I gotta start over again." Church said. He clears his throat and continues in his ghostly voice. "Tucker... Tucker... I've come back with a warning!" he said.

"Is it really necessary to do the voice?" Tucker asked, a headache building behind one of his eyes.

"Yeah, it's kinda annoying." Caboose agreed.

Church shook his head. These two had no sense for drama. "Fine. OK, here's the deal. I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let-" he started to say in his normal voice.

"What's the warning?" interrupted Caboose.

Church turned to face Caboose, irate. "Shut up for one second and I'll tell you!" He shouted in the blue Spartans face.

Caboose backed away from the angry spirit. "Oh, sorry." he apolgized.

But Church wasn't done tearing Caboose a new asshole. "Seriously, man. I mean, I'm coming back from the Great Beyond here. Do you think this is easy? It's not. It's not like, just pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration." he shouted.

"Sorry." Caboose said, his head hung in shame.

"I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with but now that I come back and I can't get a word in edgewise, man." Church said. He took a deep breath to calm himself, before he went all Amityville Horror on Caboose. "Ok, here's the deal." he started.

"Is this the warning?" Caboose interupted Caboose again.

That was the final straw. "OK, that's it. I swear to God, Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you." Church shouted at Caboose.

"Yeah, you're even starting to bug me." said Tucker.

Church then turned his attention to Tucker. "Ok, Tucker. You remember that I told you that I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?" Church asked.

Tucker shook his head. "No." he said.

Caboose cocked his head to one side. "Sidewinder? Isn't that the ice planet?" he asked Church.

"Yes." Church confirmed.

"Cool, what was that like?" Caboose asked.

"Erm... it was cold." Church said, shivering with the mere memory of the bone chilling cold.

"That's it, just cold?" complained Caboose.

Church lost it, again. "What do you want from me? A poem? It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's really... fuckin'... cold." he said, getting in Caboose's face.

Tucker got between them, seperating the two. He turned and faced Caboose. "Will you just let him talk?" he asked the blue marine.

"Alright, well..." Church began to tell his tale.

Many years ago on the ice planet Sidewinder, at the bottom of a mighty crevace, sat a Blue Base. Standing around a fusion coil at the entrance was a bunch of Blues and a pair of them were on patrol near the middle of the crevace. "One day when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember I was out on patrol with my partner, Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid. Everybody liked him." Church told his team.

"D'ya think I was a good kid, Church?" Tucker asked Church.

"Tucker, don't get jealous, man. Just listen to the story, OK?" Church scolded his fellow Blue before continuing. "Like I said, the guys were hanging around waiting for some action, bitching about the cold."

"Man, it's fucking cold..." one of the fusion coil Blues said, freezing despite the armour.

"I hope we get some action..." said one of the other frozen Blues.

"...Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home." Church said.

"Yep, as soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me." Jimmy said, showing Church the ring he got her. It was 24-karot gold and had a rare ice chip diamond, found only on Sidewinder, shaped into the infinty symbol. It had to be worth half a million credits! Unknown to the two Blues, a camouflaged figure was standing in front of them.

"...And that's when Tex showed up." Church said with the heavy voice of Fate itself.

"Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of sudden he started screaming bloody murder..." Church said with the memories of that day still heavy on his mind and heart.

"Bloody Murder! Bloody Murder!" screamed Mickey, firing a full clip at thin air. Suddenly a camouflaged Tex drives his fist through the back plate of Mickey's armour and out through the front.

"The whole thing was over before it even started." Church said.

Tex, still invisible, quickly snapped another Blue's neck. The poor Spartan dropped, like a puppet with it's strings cut. Slowly he made his way over to where Church and Jimmy were firing at anything that moved. "Poor Jimmy was the last one to go.. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head, and beat him to death with it." Church said.

"Wait, a second... how do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible." Tucker asked.

"That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming." Church answered.

Tex punched through Jimmy's visor, grabbed his skull, and preceded to beat him to death. "This doesn't seem physically possible!" Jimmy screamed. "Hurk! Bleh..." he moaned as he collasped and died. His job done, Tex reached down and snatched the blood soaked ring box from Jimmy's corpse and fled.

"Bottom line is, these freelancers, they're bad news, and Tex is one of the worst." Church warned the living Blues.

Something didn't seem right to Tucker. "If he's such a bad-ass, why didn't he kill you?" he asked.

Church closed his eyes as he remembered slowly turning and only seeing destruction and death. "To tell ya, I don't know why I'm not dead. He could have killed me at any point. But maybe it's because Tex and I have run into each other once before." he said.

"Where?" inquired Tucker.

"You, er...remember that girl I told you about, back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason we never got married. Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning. Don't let Tex get involved here." Church said as he struggled to remain heard and visible.

"Ok." said Tucker absently.

"I mean it, Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it..." church started to say. But he faded before he could finish.

"So... Tex and Church were after the same girl." Tucker said to Caboose.

"I told you his girlfriend was a slut." Caboose said. Unkown to both Spartan's, a figure in black armour was standing behind them. Around it's neck was a chain with a ring with a ice chip diamond on it.


	11. Knock, knock Who's there? Pain!

A/N: I don't own Red Vs. Blue.

"And then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the side while they were hiding behind the rock, but, uh, well that's when the tank showed up and, shit just started blowin' up. I don't know." Grif said, explaing the events of the last hour to Sarge.

Sarge let out a long, pissed off sigh. "Grif, do you have any Godly idea how much this peice of equipment costs?" he asked, pointing to the wreaked Warthog that Lopez was sitting where the engine used to be, fixing the fuel line.

"Ah, I don't know, what like uh, ten, ten twenty, twenty-five bucks, maybe? Uh, yeu, you're gonna kill me now aren't you." he said, not liking where this was going.

Sarge nodded his head. "Tell you what, Grif, I'm a fair man. I'll give you a ten second head start here before I let Lopez do anything he wants to ya." he said. Lopez climbed out of the wreak and stood next to Sarge, cracking his fists.

"Guys, I just want you to know. I'm really, really sorry here and..." Grif started to say, but stopped when Lopez put down the wrench he was holding and hefted the Warthog's Chaingun, the only thing that still worked on the wreak.

Sarge smiled an evil smile. "Five Mississippi. Six Mississippi." he started counting as he shouldered his shotgun and levered a round.

Grif slowly started to back away. "Okay uh, I guess I better get going then." he said. Lopez and Sarge looked at each other, nodded, and started to fire. "Hey guys, that's not funny. Somebody could get hurt here." Grif said as he ran through the gargage door into the base. Sarge caught Lopez's eye and jercked his head. Lopez gave a sly smile and took off after Grif. Sarge shook his head as he followed Lopez to find Grif.

Meanwhile at the Blue Base, Tex was using Caboose for target practice. "That's basically it sir, they have five guys over there and a big jeep." Tucker informed the freelancer.

"And your flag." said Tex in a deep voice, reloading his assult rifle.

"Right, that too." admitted Tucker, rubbing the back of his head in embaresment. Suddenly, Tex grabbed a grenade and threw it at Caboose. The Spartan leaped and narrowly avoided death.

"Uh, hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, bt we try not to use other soldiers for target practice here." Tucker told Tex, hoping he would stop before he killed the rookie.

"I'm scared." whimpered the UNSC Marine from behind the table where he was hidden.

Tex just shouldered the assult rifle and started to zero in the sights of Church's old sniper rifle with thrown grenades. Seeing he wasn't facing friendly fire, Caboose ran up to stand next to Tucker. "So, you've got the Special Forces black armor, I see. Were you in the Special Forces at some point?" Tucker asked the freelancer. Tex simply ignores the Blue, simply switching to his pistol to zero it in. "Yeah, I used to have black armor too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from th-" Tucker started to say to Tex, but Tex just holsteredhis pistol and lept the ten feet from the base roof to the ground and started to walk off. "Oh, okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later." Tucker said to the Black Spartan.

"I don't think he likes you." Caboose whispered to Tucker.

"Thanks." Tucker said with irratation at the new guy. The two of them ran up to the edge of the base. "Where are you going?" Tucker asked the receding figure.

Tex pointed to the distant Red Base. "Red base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back." he said.

"Uh... Okay! We'll just stay here and guard the trans... porter..." he said to the receding figure.

Back over at Red Base, Simmons found Grif hiding in a storeroom. He got the scared Spartan out and asked him what Sarge said. "So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit, but was poorly executed, probably because somebody didn't believed in it." Grif lied through his ass.

Simmons shook his head. He just had to give Grif the benifit of having the choice to tell the truth, but it was time to revel the facts. "Bullshit. He told me he thought you were a retarded monkey, and he's gonna suspend your weapon privileges." he told the lying marine. As he finished Sarge walked by, ripped Grif's assult rifle and pistol away from him, and walked off. Simmons simply smiled and shook his head again.

Donut walked up them to ask them a question that was bothering him since he got the flag. "Hey since I captured the flag, d'you think they'll give me my own color armor now?" he asked them.

Both of the other Spartan's turned to face the red armored figure. "What do you mean 'captured'? You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot." Simmons said.

"Still, you think there's a shot?" pressed Donut.

"Maybe they'll give you Grif's armor, since he destroyed the Warthog." Simmons said smugly.

"Hyeah, heh-wait... you don't... you don't think they'd do that, do you?" Grif asked nervously. There were only two ways someone else got your armor. Either you die, or you were out of the army.

In the garage, Lopez was trying to fix the Warthog with Sarge making vague, idiotic sugestions in his ear. "Try connectin' that hose to that metal thingie over there. I think that's what's makin' that rattle." he said pointing to random parts. Without looking up, Lopez cocks his pistol and pointed it right between Sarges eyes. "Ah think I'll let you do it." he said, slowly backing away from the mechanic. Lopez went back to work as if nothing was wrong. Tex, unseen to the nacked eye, ran behind Sarge. Sarge felt a slight breeze. "What the... What was that?" he said, turning around, seeing no one.

Grif and the others were on top of the base, looking out for Blues. Out of the corner of his eye, Grif saw a slight simmer. "Simmons, What's going on? What's over there?" he asked, pointing to the bottom edge of the base.

Simmons peered over the edge. and saw the same simmer before it disappeared. "I thought I saw something for a second." he told the others. Tex was flat against Red Base, waiting for the right moment to create havoc.

Sensing something was wrong, Grif turned to Donut. "Hey rookie, tuck the flag somewhere safe until we can figure out what's goin' on." he told the red Spartan.

"Good idea. I was sick of carrying this thing anyway." said Donut with a shrug. He walked over and threw the Blue's flag into their own flag room.

Suddenly a stone struck the roof right behind them. Grif and Simmons turned and looked over the edge of the base for who threw the stone. "Did you hear that?" Simmons asked.

"Yeah." said Grif, eyes scanning the canyon.

"Hey! What's going on?" Donut whispered. He was quickly shushed. While the majority of the Reds were distracted, Tex threw a plasma grenade which adheared itself to the side of Donut's helmet.

Seeing something flash over and behind them, Grif and Simmons turned. "What the fuck?" said Grif, seeing the grenade.

"What?" asked Donut, oblivious to the 17 ounces of high explosive plasma right next to his head.

"What is that thing?" asked Simmons.

"What thing?" inquired the clueless Spartan.

"There's something on your head..." began Grif.

"What, is it a spider? Get it off!" Donut panicked.

Simmons shook his head. "No, it's not a spider, it's, like a... blue thing." he said.

"What, like a blue spider? Get it off!" Donut screamed, his terror rising to new heights.

"It's not a spider, calm down. It's some kinda, fuzzy pulsating thing." Grif said.

"That doesn't sound much better than a spider." Donut said, getting a grip on his panic.

"Does it hurt?" Simmons asked.

"No..." Donut said, weary of where this might lead.

Simmons turned to Grif and began to confer with him. "Maybe we should try to take it off." Simmons sugested.

Grif agreed. "Good idea. go for it." he said.

"Me? By 'we' I meant 'you'. Asshole." Simmons said.

Donut butted in. "Well somebody needs to get it off. Look, it might be dangerous." he said. Suddenly the grenade detnated, almost killing Donut.

"Son of a bitch!" said Grif and Simmons. All this was too much for Simmons. He fainted without a sound.

Tex was suddenly was in front of him, slamming the but of his pistol into Grif's shoulder. Grif's arm went numb, causing him to drop his assult rifle. Tex quickly moved out of Grif's sight. "Son... where'd he go?" Grif said, turning frantickly. He stopped when he got the butt end of Tex's rifle into his adomen. Grif fell to his knees in agony. He looked up to see Tex towering over him with a pistol pointed at his head. "Don't kill me, I'm to good good looking to die!" Grif pleaded. Tex decided to grant Grif this, so he spun the pistol around and smashed it into the back of Grif's head. The last thing Grif saw before his world went black was a gold ring with a ice chip diamond shaped into infinity.


	12. Down, but not out

A/N: Sorry for not updating in a while. I was caught up in my other works. Again I don't own RVB or Halo. Please review.

At Blue Base, Caboose and Tucker were spying on the Reds with Church's old sniper rifle. "Son... where'd he go? Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!" they heard Grif yell from across the canyon.

"Man... he is really kicking their asses." Caboose said, looking through the rifles scope.

"How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?" Tucker sulked in the corner.

"I'm really glad tex is on our team and not theirs." Caboose said, lowering the rifle.

"Sure makes things easier on us." Tucker agreed.

"Yeah. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade." Caboose said.

"It definitely seems like _your killing_ Church is starting to work out for us." Tucker reminded him.

Caboose nodded, rubbing the back of his helmet. "Ya know ya think so? You know, I was gonna say something but uh, well you know, uh... nuh..." he said sheepishly.

"Did Tex get in the base?" Tucker asked.

Caboose raised the rifle just in time to to see a black blur enter the base. "Yeah." he said. Meanwhile Tex found the flag, found the Auto-return button, and sent the flag back to the Blue Base.

"Blue Team, flag returned." A deep voice said from behind the two Blues.

"What the... who said that?" Tucker challenged as the two spun around, assult rifles raised. But the rifles were lowered as they saw it was only was Church.

Church cleared his throat. "Sorry that was me. I uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back by the way." he said rubbing the back of his head.

"Hey... it's Church." Caboose said, pointlessly.

"Yeah, it's me. Hey Caboose." Church said.

"Hey Church, what're you up to?" Caboose asked excitedly.

"Caboose, ah-huh-huh, I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?" Church asked, although he had a good clue from they way the only two suriving members of the Blood Gulch Blue Team looked at each other.

"Wh, what? Oh, th, that flag? We've always had that." Tucker stuttered.

"Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool?" Church asked. Remembering that Tex was there, he asked the two "Hey wait a second... Where's Tex?"

Tucker shrugged. "I'm not sure, he said he was gonna go to the store, something about uh, Elbow Grease." he lied to Church.

Church shook his head, furious. "Oh great. This is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?" he asked the two scared Blues.

"That Sidewinder is cold!" Caboose guessed.

"Nuhhhh, What was the other one thing I told you?" Church asked.

"Not to let him get involved?" Tucker guessed.

"Right. And what did you do?" Church prompted.

"We let him get involved." Tucker said, head hung in shame.

"And not just a little involved, how involved?" asked the dead Blue.

"Very, very, involved." Caboose said, his head a mirror of Tuckers.

Meanwhile, Tex was dusting his hands and was about to leave when Sarge emerged and leveled his shot gun to Tex's visor. "Freeze." he said, his southern accent suddenly pronounced. Tex turned, only to see Lopez apeared with an assult rifle pointed at his heart. "Drop your weapon." Sarge growled.

Tex turned to Sarge and dropped his pistol and rifle. He looked Sarge in the eye and said. "Hey buddy."

"What." growled Sarge.

"You really better hope the first one knocks me out." Tex promised. Sarge nodded and then brought the stock of his shotgun down on the top of Tex's head. Tex slumped to the ground, out cold.

Up on the roof of Red Base, Grif sat up, holding his head. "Ow, what the... My freakin head. Jesus." he whimpered, his brains feeling like scrambled eggs.

Simmons stood where he was tending to the critical Donut. He walked over to Grif, his hands dripping blood. "He's hurt, Grif. He'll make it, but we need to get him some help fast." Simmons told him, his face grim.

"Yeah, yeah hold on one second. What happened here? W- First Donut's head exploded, and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up and started-" Grif began to remember.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I did not faint, something knocked me out." Simmons protested.

"Okay fine, keep lying to yourself. What ever helps you sleep at night." Grif muttered.

""Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut outta here." Simmons told him.

"Yeah sure, oh, and uh, I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking." Grif said before running down the ramp to find Sarge.

"Whatever, no one Likes you anyway." Simmons called to Grif's receding backside.

Back at Blue Base, Caboose watched all of this unfold through his sniper rifle. "Yep, he's captured... Or dead... Captured or dead." he told the others. His breath hitched as a thought came to him. "Or captured _and _dead!" he said.

"Oh, well that's just perfect!" Church moaned.

"What? What is your problem? Why do you even care if he's captured, I thought you hated that guy anyway, for stealing your girlfriend." Tucker said.

Church shook his head. "I never said I hated Tex. I just said she was the reason why we never got married." he explained.

"She?" Caboose asked, his eyes wide.

Simmons found Sarge in the flag room watching over the unconsious Tex. Grif followed soon after, wheezing and out of breath. "Sarge, we need to get Dount air-lifted outta here." Simmons told his CO.

"Could you put that in a memo, and entitle it 'Shit I already know!' Get on the horn with Command." he told the maroon Spartan. He turned back to Tex in time to see her stir. "Well look who's up. Rise 'n' shine, buttercup." he told the Freelancer.

Tex stood, sparks flying from the right shoulder and helmet. Static hissed then she spoke. "Oh great... you broke my voice filter. You cock biting fucktards." she said in a surpisingly feminine voice.

"Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give a headache this big!" Grif laughed.

Tex looked around at all the Reds surpised reactions. "...What's the matter, you never seen a girl before? How long have you guys been out here?" she asked.


	13. Human Peer Bonding

A/N: As always, I don't own Red vs Blue. Burnie and the rest of the Rooster Teeth team does.

Tucker stood there in shock. "Let me get this straight... you're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of the Reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?" He asked the transparent figure of Church.

Church thought about it for a moment. "In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary." he said, nodding.

"I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls, never, like me." Caboose moped.

"Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you." Tucker told his newest teammate.

"I like me..." Caboose said in a small voice.

Tucker shook his head and turned to face Church. "I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark?" he asked his dead CO.

"I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy. And I'm definitely sure I would know if she was part shark." Church said with a shudder and a uncomfortable roll of his shoulders.

Caboose got that familar confused look on his face. "Way, oh, wait oh wait. If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?" he asked Church

"Uh... because she's from Texas." explained the ghostly ex-commander of the Blues. Caboose just cocked his head, still confused. "Trust me, it makes sense." he told the rookie. He then turned his attention to Tucker. "And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with." he said, poking his finger through Tucker's chest.

Tucker shivered, a cold breeze passing through him. "Right. You should blame God. First He makes hangovers, and now, half women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!" he said, giving the sky the bird.

Church got pissed at Tucker. "Will you shut up with that?" She got recruited in to some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher then hell." he told him off.

"A.I... What's the A stand for?" Caboose asked.

"Artificial." Church told him.

"... What's the I-" Caboose started to ask.

"Intelligence." Church said, wondering if it was possible for a ghost to get migraines.

"Ooohhhhhhhh what was the A again?" Caboose asked again.

"Let's move on." Church said, a spectral headache pulsing behind his temples.

"So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?" Tucker asked, already thinkinng of the possiblites if he could get that A.I. out of her.

"Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch, it's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements." Church said with a chuckle.

Tucker shook his head. "Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there buddy, she's a keeper." he said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Church turned and faced Caboose. "So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?" he asked the rookie, knowing how easily he got confused.

"I think so... That guy tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot." Caboose said.

"Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot." Church said, his headache erupting into a full-bore migraine.

Over at Red Base, down in their brig, Grif and Simmons were gaurding an unarmed, not still dangerous, Tex. "So, you're a girl, huh?" Grif asked the freelancer. Tes just sat there in silence.

"Just ingore him, that's what I do." Simmons informed the silent figure.

"Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you." Tex told Grif, startling both Red Spartans.

Grif snorted. "Yeah, right. Waht're you gonna do, punch me?" he asked. Tes leaned forward quickly, then snapped back upright. Grif stumbles back, arms covering his face. "Aaah, not the face!" he yells. Tex just sat there, wearing a grin like a cat that just ate the canary.

Back at Blue Base, Church just got a idea. "Well don't worry, because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex." he informedd his living teammates.

"A plan? Oh, man, I hate plans. That's means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy or... mission statement?" Tucker whined.

"I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex." Church said.

"Distraction? Heh. That sounds a lot like 'decoy'." Caboose said.

"The way I see it, the reds have absolutely no idea how many freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the two of you, is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base." Church explained.

"Sounds good. But Church, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armor?" Tucker asked. Church looks at the teleporter. Tucker looks at the teleporter, then back at Church. "...Oh fuckberries..." Tucker said, preparing for a world of hurt.


	14. Roomier Than It Looks

A/N: Sorry for not updating for the last few months. I was working on my newest story until my laptop got hit with a virus. Until then I have to use my brother's micro notebook. Anyway... Burnie owns RVB, I don't.

In the middle of the canyon, Tucker materalized out of the teleporter. His armor was charred black and smoking slightly. "Are you okay, Tucker?" Church, the ghostly leader of Blue Team, asked his teammate.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Tucker said as he limped up a slight hill to face Blue Base. "Come on, Caboose!" He yelled to the blue dot on roof of the base.

"Does it hurt?" Caboose yelled back.

"No, not at all!" Tucker answered, trying to keep a straight face.

"Okay! Here I come!" Caboose said, jumping into the greenish energy of the teleporter.

"Does it hurt for real?" Caboose asked.

"Ohh, yeah. Big time." Tucker said, laughing.

They both turn back to the teleporter exit just in time for Caboose to appear, his armor blackened and smoking slightly. "Owwwchie." he cried. As the pain passed he turned to face Tucker. "You lied to me." he moped.

Over at Red Base, Sarge was scanning the canyon. Suddenly he called out. "Ah dammit. Lopez, c'mere. Do you see something out there?" He asked the brown soldier. Lopez scanned the canyon with a sniper rifle, turned to Sarge, and lowered his head.

Meanwhile, inside the base, Simmons and Grif were having another argument. "There's no L in it, it's pronounced both."  
Simmons said.

"That's what I'm saying. Bolth." Grif told the maroon Spartan.

"Both." Simmons repeated.

"You sound like such an ass the way you say it." Grif replied. Tex shook her head, woundering if it was legal for her to cause brain damage to them when she escaped from her cell.

Suddenly Grif's comm's chimed. He answered and nearly had his eardrum ruptured. "Grif! Quit your yammering and get your keister up here. Need some help. Got more of them Special Ops fellas headed toward the base." Sarge bellowed.

"As in... more than one? Uh, maybe we should _bolth_ go, sir." Grif asked, a quiver of fear clear in his voice.

"BOTH." Simmons told him.

"Seriously, man, like an ass." Grif griped.

"Well, well. Another brillian idea from the think tank. Why don't you both come up? Leave the prisoner alone. We could just put her on the honor system - have her guard herself." Sarge told him, his voice laced with sarcasm.

"Good point, sir." Grif admitted.

"YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now get your ass up here. We got just enough time for me to spray paint the bull's-eye on your back... Ah, by bull's-eye I of course mean camouflage. Now move it, cupcake." Sarge ordered him.

"Yeah..." Grif sighed. "I'll be right up."

Over on a nearby ledge, Church was sweeping the Red's base with his sniper rifle. "Hey, Tucker. Come in, man. You there? This is Church." Church said over the Comms. "It's working. The orange one is coming out of the base. I repeat, the orange one is coming outof the base."

Meanwhile, behind a rock infront of Red Base, Tucker and Caboose were listening to Church over the radio. "Roger that." Tucker confirmed.

"Oh, oh oh oh, Tucker, Tucker,Tucker! Is that... Is that Church?" Caboose asked.

"Okay, now just keep moving around outside of the base, and draw their attention." Church tried to tell them.

But Caboose was drowning him out. "Tell him, that I... that I said... for me to say hi...?" he told Tucker.

"Whoa, wat, wait, hey. What? I missed that, Caboose was talking to me." Tucker informed Church. He then turned and faced Caboose. "Shut up man, I'm on the radio." he told his dumbest teammate.

Back over on the ledge, Church tried to repeat what he had just said. "I said, just keep movin-" he started to say.

Suddenly, Tucker came in blaring over the radio. "I'm not yelling, I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church. ...No, I'll tell him you said 'hi' later. No, you can't talk to him. How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?" he told Caboose.

Church shook his head, severing the connection. "Oh my god. I can't believe I actually died for this war." he moaned as he shouldered his rifle and climbed off the ledge.

On top of Red Base, Grif was looking through the sniper rifle as the bull's-eye dried on his back. At first he couldn't see anything, except for a brief glimpse of what looked like the Blue's dead leader. he shook his head rapidly to clear it. "I don't see any-" he started to say, but he then saw Caboose running across the Gulch. "Uh oh. Yep, there's one." he told Sarge. Suddenly he scratched his head in confusion as Caboose stopped right beside a rock and started to stare right at it. "...Why is he just standing there?"he muttered to himself.

Behind another rock, Tucker called out to Caboose. "Caboose, get behind the rock. They can still see you."

"They can't see me. I can't see them!" Caboose yelled back.

"That's because you're facing the rock." Tucker told him, his face hidden in his hand.

Caboose face the base and scurries behind the rock. "Oh. Right." he said to Tucker.

"Real smooth, dipshit." Tucker hollered.

Sarge was watching this with an uneasy look on his face."They're definitely Special Ops. I ain't seen troop movements this coordinated since my days on Sidew- Hgee-ka-gerger!" he said as Church possessed his body.

Grif turned and looked at Sarge, concerned. "Sir, are you okay?" he asked.

"Uh, who you talking to, Red? Me?" Church asked.

"No. I'm talking to lopez. Because, you know, that's real rewarding." Grif said sarcastically. Lopez casually took a swing at Grif, who stepped back out of range. "Hey, what'd I tell you about that?" Grif asked Lopez, pointing a finger in the brown Spartan.

"Oh, uh I-I'm fine, that's... I'm just so mad about, these uh, god damn Blues out here. They got me so god damn mad, I could spit!" Church said, fumbling to cover his mistake. He was so caught up in the movement he horked up half-a-lung and spit into the inside of Sarge's helmet.

"... Um, sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?" Grif asked Church.

"Uh, yeah. I guess I did." Church said.

"Permission to speak freely, sir?" Grif asked.

"Go ahead." Church said with a nod.

"That was really fucking gross." Grif told his possessed leader.

Down in the Gulch, Caboosewas was crouching behind his boulder. "Hey, Tucker?" he asked his teammate.

"What?" Tucker yelled back.

"I'm having a really good time... with... you." Caboose told him.

"That's great, Caboose." Tucker told him, very annoyed.

"Yeah, it's like we're real soldiers." Caboose informed him.

"Would you please go hide behind another rock?" asked Tucker.

Meanwhile Church ran down to where Simmons guarded Tex. "Hey, man. What's up, yo?" Church asked the maroon soldier.

"Uh... hey...? What's going out there, sir?" Simmons asked, wondering why his C.O. was trying to talk like a city boy from the 21st century.

"What's, uh... why nothin'. Why would you ask if somethin's wrong?" Church asked, trying to get past Simmons to Tex.

"I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war." Simmons answered.

"Yeah, well, I don't know. You're starting to act kinda suspicious there... other Red guy. So I'ma keep my eye on you." Church told Simmons.

Simmons turned away from Church and toward Tex. "Sarge, I'm starting to think that-" Simmons started to say before Church's armored fist crashed into the back of his head. "Ow, geez, the back of my head!" he said as he slid into darkness and to the floor.

"What the hell are you doing!" Tex yelled as Church unlocked her cell.

"Tex! It's me, Church! I've come to rescue you." Church said with Sarge's voice.

"You're kind of short to be Church." Tex said as she slinked from her prison.

"What?"Churched asked in surprise until he looked down. "Oh yeah, right. The armor." he said, slapping himself in the face.

He then stepped out of Sarge. "Hurk! What in Sam Hell? Where the- Who spit on my visor?" he asked in confusion. He pulled off the helmet and began to wash it out.

"Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now, and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this Red guy so that I could sneak in to the base and rescue you while the rest of our guys run around out in the middle of the canyon dressed in black armor that they got from going through the teleporter." Church said without pausing to breathe.

"... Okay." Tex said simply.

"What?" Church said in surprise. "That's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?"

"No. It pretty much all makes sense." Tex said.

"Not even the whole 'Church is a ghost' thing? That didn't do anything for ya?" Church said, partially floating down into the ground.

"I can see right through you, it's pretty obvious..." she started to explain.

"Okay, well, let me hop back in this guy, and we'll get outta here." Church said.

Sarge just had slipped his helmet back on when Church slid back into his body. "Huuurk!" he cried as his will was surpressed.

Back out side Caboose was watching as Church and Tex emerged from the base. "What're you doing?" Tucker asked the Blue Spartan.

"One of the Reds has Tex. I'm going to shoot him, and kill him, and free Tex. Then Church will forgive me for killing him, and we will be friends." Caboose explained.

"Oh, come on. you don't actually believe any of that, do you?" Tucker asked.

"Ohhh, we're gonna be best friends." Caboose said, lost in his own little world. He quickly setteled the recticle on Church's red helmet.

Church peered around the outcropping they were hiding behind. He looked at Tex and said "Alright, I'll make one more distraction, then you run up to the teleporter and escape. Ready? One... Two... Three!". He leapt out, right into the path of Caboose's sniper round. The round carrened into the side of Sarge's head and his body slummped to the ground, bright red blood already pooling. "What the? Where did my body go?" he asked. He looked out and saw Caboose holding the smoking rifle. "Oh, you've gotta be KIDDING me!" He shouted in absolute rage. Caboose winced as he saw his mistake.

As the air around Church turned a vivid shade of blue from his swearing, Caboose yelled out "Tucker did it!" as he shoved the rifle into his comrade's hands.


	15. How the Other Half Lives

A/N: You know the drill by now. I don't own RVB!

Sarge stood up from where he laid. He looked around the strange area. He thought he was in Blood Gulch, but all the colors were muted, dull. He quickly ran up a small hill and tried to see anyone. He is alone in the strange place. "Hello? ... Hello? I said hello? Hello, is anybody out here?" he called out, a slight echo to his voice.

Suddenly, Church appeared behind him, at the base of the hill. "Holy cow, would you stop yelling? I'm here." he said, a slight echo in his voice as well, walking up to Sarge.

Sarge twirled, his eyes growing large as he saw his Blue equal that had been team killed. "What is this place?" he asked.

"Well, that's... kinda hard to explain. Um... You were shot in the head, buddy. So, here ya are." Church told him, neatly advoiding the fact that it was the same one that killed him was the one that sniped Sarge.

"Am I dead?" Sarge asked.

"Are you dead?" Church said deep in thought. "Well, yeah, that's how I ended up here." he told the red Spartan.

"Are you some kinda angel?" Sarge asked, hoping he would say yes.

Church chuckled. "Aheh heh heh... am I an angel." "Uh, " he said, clearing his throat. "yeah, actually, I am. I'm an angel. Um, do you wanna go to Heaven? 'Cause it's, like, ten bucks to get in." Church said, deciding he might as well as make a little cash while he was there.

Sarge shook his head. "Well I, uh, I didn't really bring any... I mean, my wallet's back in the car." he mumbled.

"Hey, you don't have it there, huh? Well uh... That's too bad. Pretty crappy reason to damned to Hell for an eternity." Church said, trying his hardest not to laugh.

Suddenly, a revelation came over Sarge. "I don't remember dyin'" he asked the "angel".

"Yeah, that's my fault too. I was... sort of possessing your body at the time you were shot. Sorry about that." Church admitted, rubbing the back of your head.

"Hold on a second; that ain't fair." Sarge cried, outraged.

"Not fair? Yeah, join the frickin' club. I got shot by my own tank." Church reminded him.

Sheila appeared out in the middle of the field and locked her turret onto Church. "Target locked." she said.

"Oh ha ha, very funny Sheila. Shut up. You know I still haven't forgiven you. I didn't say you could talk to me yet. Go there, g-get, go over by the base. Shoo, shoo." Church scolded her. Sheila lowered her turret and slowly rolled away.

Suddenly a shimmering window appeared, showing Grif and Simmon standing over Sarge's body in the real world. The images were distorted and wavy. Grif was kneeling next to Sarge, shaking him by both shoulders. "Sarge! Don't you give up on me soldier, do you hear me? I'm ordering you!" he said, at the brink of tears.

Back in Dead World, Sarge was squinting at the images, trying to see what was happening. "Who is that? Who's there?" Sarge asked Church.

"Looks like your guys are trying to save you." Church told Sarge, pissed that his guys didn't even try to save him.

In the image, Simmons was trying to give Sarge CPR with the butt of his assult rifle. "You gotta breathe, man! You gotta pull through! Come on, Sarge!" he cried, actually crying.

"That is not the way you were trained to do that, Private!" Sarge shouted at the image.

"He can't hear you." Church informed hum. Sarge shot him a dirty look.

"Grif, this isn't working. We have to try something else." Simmons said, putting down his assult rifle in defeat.

Church groaned. "If he gives you mouth to mouth, I'm leaving." he said.

"... Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth." Simmons said with hope.

"I'm leaving." Church said, turning three shades of green.

"I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me." Sarge started to blubber.

"Why wouldn't they?" Church asked. "I mean, my team didn't, but, why wouldn't yours?"

"I thought they didn't like me." Sarge said, tears begining to run down his etched face.

"Aw, don't sell yourself short. I don't even know ya, and here I am about to guide you to Heaven for only five bucks." Church said, putting his arm around the crying super soldier.

Suddenly another revelation came over Sarge. "Hold on, if you're an angel, how come you ain't got no wings?" he asked.

"Because nobody rang a bell, ah heh heh heh heh heh." Church said, rubbing the back of his head. he then turned serious. "Seriously, do you have the money or don't you?" he asked.

"Oh, I feel the worst about Grif. I always made fun of him." Sarge moaned, "I never even told him... he was my son."

"No way!" Church said, surprised. "The orange guy is your son?"

"Nah, I just wanted to screw him one last time." Sarge admitted. "But now I'll never get that chance."

Suddenly, movement in the window caught their eye. Grif stood off, wiped his mouth, fixed both his and Sarge's helmet, and said "He's breathing! We saved Sarge!"

"I'm what?" Sarge gasped.

"He's what?" Church said, irritated at his own team for not even trying.

Sarge chuckeled, shaking his head. "Well, I'll be a monkey's... they saved me." he said, already begining to fade away.

"What? No, come back! We need to even the sides!" Church said, trying to grab Sarge's fading form.

"Thanks for your help, wingless angel fella!" he said, his voice starting to fade. "Will I remember any of this?"

"Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!" Church said in a last ditch effort to get some quick cash.

Sarge sat up slowly, the memories from "Dead World" already gone. He cleared his throat and asked "There. What... what happened here?"

"Sir, you got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir." Simmons barked.

"I always believed in you, Simmons." Sarge said, getting to his feet.

"Uh, actually, it's Grif you should thank, sir. He did all the work." Simmons admitted. Grif groaned, knowing how this was going to end.

"Grif?" Sarge asked, not believing his ears.

"Yes, sir." Simmons confirmed.

"Grif, why in Hell would you give somebody CPR for a bullet wound in the head! That doesn't make a lick of sense." Sarge shouted.

"You're welcome, sir." Grif sighed.

"I mean it's all so damn inconsistent! What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe?" Sarge continued. "Rub my neck with aloe vera? Hey there, Grif! I think I feel an aneurysm comin' on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic mass-odge-es?"

Sarge removed his back armor and let Grif get to work. "...Use your fingers, not your knuckles. ...That there, that's good. Lower back. Yeah, I can feel that working already. Don't be afraid to go too low." he moaned. "...oh yeah, shiatsu."


	16. A Slightly Crueler Cruller

A/N: I don't own RVB, Burnie does. Also this means "_spanish_" and this means "english."

Three figures, one orange, one maron, and one in Pepto-Bismol pink armor, stood proudly atop of Red Base. It was an heroic scene, until the figure in pink spoke. "Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!" Donut exclaimed.

Grif and Simmons glanced at each other. "Uh... hey, Donut?" Grif said.

"What?" Donut asked, turning to face his teammates.

"Um, about your armor..." Simmons began.

"What about it?" Donut asked, glancing over his pristine armor.

"How do I put this... Your armor is, um... It's a little, um... Grif, uh, you wanna help me out here?" Simmons stammered, eventually asking Grif for help.

"It's pink. Your armor is frickin' pink!" Grif pointed out.

"Yeah, that's it. Pink." Simmons agreed.

"Pink? My armor's not pink!" Donut said, outraged.

"PINK." Grif said.

"Yeah, definitely pink" Simmons aggred.

"You guys are color-blind. Why would they give me pink armor?" Donut asked.

"Hey, don't ask, don't tell." Grif asked before bursting out in laughter.

"Hey, that's not funny." Simmons scowled.

"It's a little funny." Grif said, bursting out with more laughter.

"Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uh... a lightish red." Donut clarified.

Grif managed to stop laughing. "Guess what? they already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called? Pink." he said.

"I hate you guys." Donut growled, his eyes shooting daggers.

Sarge appeared from the ramp, Lopez close on his heels. "Well hello, dirtbags." he said to Grif and Simmons. "... And a fine hello to you, madam." he continued, tipping an imanginary hat to Donut.

"It's LIGHT red." Donut growled through gritted teeth.

"Don't get your panties in a wad there, Barbie. Do you have a package for me?" Sarge asked.

Donut released a sigh of relief that the subject was off his armor. "Yessir." he confirmed.

"Excellent." Sarge said, glad he could finish his latest project.

Donut held up a complex mechanical unit. "They said this speech unit should work with Lopez." Donut informed Sarge.

"Speech unit?" asked an confused Grif.

Donut handed the unit over to Sarge. "Here you go." he said.

Sarge nodded. "Affirmative. Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to. ...No offense, Simmons." he explained.

"Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir." Simmons said with a glance at Grif.

"Wait a second... Lopez is a robot?" Grif asked, confused.

"Of course he is. You didn't notice that he never talks?" Simmons questioned him.

Grif shrugged. "I just thought he was a really quiet guy." he admitted.

"And the fact he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?" Sarge pointed out.

"Well, I-I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd... Uh, I just thought he was trying to impress me." Grif stammered. Lopez shot a death glare at him, two faint red spots glowing visibly at him through the mirrored visor.

"Hey, sir. You really should ground yourself before handling that card." Simmons warned his C.O.

"How come?" Sarge asked.

"Because static could damage the card." Simmons explained, baffeled that someone that lives in the 26th century didn't know this.

"Come on. That's just an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets." Sarge scoffed. Simmons and Grif glanced at each other, worried. "And I suppose Pop Rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up!" he laughed as he inserted the card into Lopez. Suddenly a huge static ark flew from Sarge and into the chip. "YOW!" he cried, leaping back.

"Sir. I won't say I told you so, sir." Simmons said, a grin splitting his face.

"Good. I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favorite private." Sarge said, waving his still smoking fingers.

"It's not pink, it's lightish red!" Donut shouted, depressed for his armor had once again become the center of attention.

Over at the Blue Base, Caboose has just finished cleaning Tuckers armor. "Ah, man, uh, you know this stuff does not come off easy?" Caboosr asked, glancing over his still black armor.

"Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armor." Tucker agread.

"Yeah, I know that, that's I think because you know, uh, YOU DID'T DO ANYTHING." Caboose told him.

"I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing." Tucker ribbed.

"Ah, ah, aaahhhh ha ha ha ha ah yeah, ah yeah aha, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... Don't make me mad." Caboose warned, figering the saftey on his pistol.

Back over at Red Base, Donut faced Simmons and Grif, while Sarge fiddled around with Lopez. "So, what happened to me anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?" he asked the two soldiers.

"Right. That was a grenade." Grif clarified.

"And the last thing I remember... is a loud bang... and then Simmons fainting..." Donut struggled to remember.

"Ha! Told you so!" Grif laughed.

"I did not faint." Simmons said.

"Done and done. Lopez. Activate Speech unit!" Sarge ordered the brown robot.

"_Good morning. And thank you for activating my role gives the speech. I am the model number zero one one zero one three four eight eight two three._" Lopez said.

"Am I the only one not understanding any of this?" Donut asked as Lopez finished.

"_My name is Lopez._" Lopez announced.

"Lopez, he just said Lopez! I understood that. I can speak Spanish!" Grif cried.

"Lopez, speak English." Sarge ordered him.

"_My processor has malfunctioned English. I speak only Spanish."_ Lopez announced.

"Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir." Simmons told Sarge.

"Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model." Sarge countered.

"Seriously, dude. For the last time: Not pink." Donut said through gritted teeth.

"Lopez. I order you to speak a language we understand." Sarge ordered one last time.

"_Negitive._" Lopez said.

"Well this is just dandy. Lopez, HOW- DO- WE- FIX- YOUR- SPEECH- U- NIT?" Sarge asked in desperation.

"Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower." Grif suggested.

"Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?" Sarge asked, a smille forming on his face.

"_Yes sir. Thank you._" Lopez said, raising his pistol.

Grif dived into the flag room through the empty skylight, crying "No, stop! Uh, _alto, alto_!"

"Alto means tall, you dumbass." Simmons shouted after him.

"Then why do they put it on stop signs?" came the reply.


	17. Points of Origin

A/N: I don't ow RVB. Rooster Teeth does. Also chapters 1-4 are being redone.

English

_Spanish_

Outside Blue Base, Tex was discussing business with Church. "As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you." she said.

Caboose and Tucker turned to Church, as if they were watching a tennis match. "I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with me?" Chruch asked.

Caboose and Tucker turned back to Tex. "Because _I _didn't kill you back at Sidewinder." she shot back, showing him the ring she wore around her neck.

The duo's attention shifted back to Curch. "You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor." Church said.

Their attention now rested on Tex. "Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could kill you right now." Tex growled, drawing her combat knife.

"No, you can't! I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!" Church laughed, poking his finger through her chest.

"Stop it! Stop fighting. Can't you see you're tearing us apart? WHAT ABOUT US?" Caboose cried.

"What about you?" Tex asked, turning toward him.

"We helped you too. And what do we get? Nothing!" Caboose pointed out.

"Well yeah, but..." Tex started to say.

"Yeah, but nothin'. He's got a point." Church said.

"I did help them get the flag back." Tex said.

"Yeah, but you were paid to do that. We rescued you as a favor. We could have just let you rot in the Red Army prison, it wouldn't have made any difference to us." Tucker informed her.

"Fine, I'll stay here as long as it takes to help you win this thing. As soon as I have, I'm outta here." She concided. "What do you need me to do?" she asked.

"I have no idea. If you knew how to fix a tank, I woulds have you do that." Tucker said.

Tex thought about it for a few moments. "... Okay." she said.

"Wait, you-you know how to fix Sheila? ...I love you." Caboose squeled.

Meanwhile at Red Base, Lopez was telling everyone how he got his name. "_Then you said 'You weigh us, I weigh more.' Then our bodies were put on the scale and it was determined who had the greatest weight. After that I was called Lopez the Heavy._" he said.

"Man. First he doesn't talk at all, and now we can't get him to shut up. What's he saying?" Grif moaned, turning toward Simmons.

"What're you asking me for?" Simmons asked.

"Well, you know, because you're of, uh, a Latino persuasion." Grif muttered, uncomfortable.

"Simmons isn't a Spanish name, you dumbass. I'm Dutch-Irish." Simmons told him.

"But I thought-" Grif started, but Simmons cut him off.

"What?" he asked.

"Eh, never mind." Grif said, dropping the subject.

"... I'm from Iowa." Donut piped.

"Nobody cares!" Grif and Simmons shouted.

Back at Blue Base, Tucker, Caboose, and Church were talking behind the wrecked hull of Sheila. "Okay, take it easy guys. When I was over at the Red Base, I saw that they've already got their jeep fix. So whatever you do, don't let 'em see us before we get Sheila back online." Church informed them.

"Okay, okay. Even if we get Sheila fixed, how are we going to turn her over? I mean it's not as if we could just lift-" Caboose started to say, when a huge crash was heard behind them. The twirled around to see Tex dusting her hands off next to a righted Sheila. "Oh. She is a very strong lady." he finished in awe.

Church whistled to regain their attention. "I'm the one that's the least visible, so I'm gonna head up here to higher ground. I'll keep an eye on the Red Base. If I see anything, I'll let you know." he continued.

"Great, I'll come with you!" Caboose said, excited.

"Thay kinda defeats the purpose, Caboose." Church told him.

"Okay. What if I'm really... really... quiet?" Caboose asked, gradually dropping his voice to a whisper.

"Do you even understand what the term 'visibility' means?" Church asked the blue Spartan.

"Ah hah hah, uhh... good one, Church." Caboose laughed.

"Seriously. You don't know what it means, do you?" Church pressed.

"Uh, no..." Caboose confessed.

Church groaned. "Caboose, just stay here, man, and try not to swallow your tonuge or anything like that." he ordered.

"Just watch the Red Base, and tell us if you see any movement." Tucker said. He watched Church climb the ridge until he was out of sight. He then went over to Tex who was welding in a part for Sheila. "So, I suppose if you're helping us, you're not as mean as I thought." He told her, leaning back against a tread.

Tex stopped welding and faced him. "I wouldn't say I'm mean, I just get hired to do mean things." she said.

"Yeah, but you like it." Tucker said, nervous.

"Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do." Tex informed him.

"So let's say I pay you to kill Caboose." Tucker started to say, glancing up to an oblivious Caboose. "You would still do it, right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?" he finished with a laugh.

"Is this a hypothetical discussion, or should we start talking numbers?" Tex asked, seadly serious.

"Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this anymore." Tucker said, slowly backing away. Tex shrugged and went back to work.

Church climbed the ridge and was about to the peak when he tripped over something. He stumbled and fell flat on his face. Picking himself up he looked back and saw he had tripped over his own corpse. "Hey, Tucker!" he called out.

"What?" Tucker shouted back.

"What the hell is my body still doing up here?" he asked.

"That's part of being dead, Church. Your body doesn't really move around much any more. Maybe you haven't fully grasped the concept yet." Tucker answered.

"Alright, well let me rephase that then: Why in the hell haven't you buried my body yet?" Church shouted outraged.

"Buried? With what? All we have are pistols and rifles. What do you want me to do, shoot you a grave?" Tucker asked.

"Well then how about shipping me back home?" Church suggested. "You know, let the loved ones pay a little respect."

"Well Church, here's your girlfriend." Tucker shouted back. He turned to face Tex. "Tex, as one of Church's loved ones, would you like to pay your respects?" he asked the black armored figure. Tex glanced up at him, then went back to work. "That was a stirring eulogy. Rest in peace, good buddy!" Tucker said, giving his dead comander the one finger salute.


	18. SPF 0

A/N: I don't own RVB. Burnie Burns and Rooster Teeth does.

On top of ridge in Blood Gulch, Church, Caboose, and Tucker were standing over Church's rotting corpse. "I am not happy about this." Church told the others.

"I have an idea." Caboose said. After a few moments of silence he shouted "I HAVE AN IDEA!"

"Yeah, we heard you the first time, Caboose, we were just ignoring you." Tucker groaned.

"Since you possessed that Red guy, and took control of him, why don't you just possess your own body?" Caboose said, not even hearing Tucker.

Church thought about it for a few momements. "Oh, I see, so that way I would be living inside of my own dead body." he clarified.

"Yes." Caboose confirmed.

"Unable to move, just laying there, rotting in the sun for all eternity." Church counted off.

"Yes." Caboose said, a little less forcefully.

"Okay, Caboose, I'll be sure to get right on that." Church said, rolling his eyes.

"I think you are a mean ghost." Caboose sulked.

Tucker crinkeld his nose. "Dude, you really stink." he said, waving his hand in front of his nose.

"What?"Church asked, flames dancng in his eyes.

"Your body, it stinks." Tucker said, pinching his nose shut.

"Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body." Church ordered.

"Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to it." Tucker waved him off, a centuries-old clothes pin clipped to his nose.

"It's a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest." Church raged, flames flickering over his entire body.

"Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?" Tucker said, slowly backing off.

A shadow passed over head. Caboose looked up. "Hey, Church, look, birds!" he said, pointed. The other two Blue's looked up as Caboose cocked his head. "Why are they flying around in circles?" he asked.

"Nuh, God." Church groaned his entire body smoking as the flames flickered and died.

Back over at Red Base, Grif and Simmons were trying to stop their boredom. "Okay, I'll go again. I spy something... that begins with..." Grif began.

"Dirt." Simmons said flatly.

"Damn! How did you-" Grif exclaimed.

"Well, because you did rock last time. That's all that's out here, is rock and dirt." Simmons explained.

"Yeah, this canyon sucks." Grif sighed.

Back over at the ledge, Church and Tucker were watching Tex fixing Sheila. Tucker was looking through the sniper rifles scope over Church's shoulder. "How long do you figure until Tex fixes the tank?" Church asked.

Tucker shrugged. "Not much longer. She said it's going pretty well. The gun's almost working, and then she'll get it moving again." he said.

"Oh, that's just fantastic." Church said, sarcasticaly.

"Why would that upset you?" Tucker asked, noting Church's tone.

"Because as soon as she gets the tank online, she's gonna use it against the Reds, and they're all going to die." Church explained.

"The Reds dying is a good thing." Tucker said, shuddering at all the times they took pop shots at them and the base.

As Church prepared his answer, he heard a flurry of shots zip by and strike the base. "No, Tucker, it's not a good thing. As soon as we beat the Reds, Tex is outta here. And I still haven't figured out a way to get that A.I. out of her head." he said, as the echo's from the shots faded.

"A.I. ..." Caboose said, struggeling to remeber where he heard those letters before.

"Shut up, Caboose." Church told him. He then turned to Tucker. "And if I don't get it out before she leaves..." he continued.

"If she leaves you won't ever find her again." Tucker finished with a sigh.

"Right." Church confirmed.

"So what're you gonna do?" Tucker asked.

"I guessI'm gonna do the only thing that I can do. I have to warn the Reds before she fixes the tank." Church said, his head hung low.

"You're switching sides?" Tucker asked, outraged.

"Sorry, guys. I don't have much choice." Church told them.

"Church, uh, wha-what happens when the Reds out here... to stop Tex, and then they come also with guns and they find us...?" Caboose whimpered.

"I'll try to help you as best I can. Good luck, guys." Church told them before vanishing, the sniper rifle clattering to the ground.

Caboose reached down and shouldered the abandoned rifle. "Does this mean I should try to kill Church now?" he asked Tucker.

Tucker shook his head sadly. "I tell you what: kill me. I promise not to come back." Tucker told him.

Caboose trained his scope on the Reds. He watched the base until he saw Donut climb to the roof. "Hey! LOOK AT THIS!" he shouted.

"No." Tucker moaned, looking over Caboose's shoulder.

"They have A GIRL. They have a girl." Caboose chanted.

"A what?" Tucker asked in shock.

"A girl, a girl! Look! Pink armor!" Caboose pointed out.

"Oh man, how come they get a girl?" Tucker moaned.

Tex cleared her throat. "Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right? And that I'm standin' right here?" she asked the two Blues.

"Yeah, Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a girl-girl." Tucker said. As the words flew forth from his mouth, he automaticly regreted them.

"And what the hell does that mean?" Tex asked, her voice calm and as cold as a winter's night.

"Nothing!" the two shouted, quickly backing away from Tex's line of sight.

Suddenly, the last unused lightbulb went off in Tuckers head. "Wait a second. If Tex heard that, do you think she heard Church's secret plan to warn the Reds about her?" he hissed to Caboose.

"I don't know... but I think I know how to find out." Caboose whispered back. He walked back to the edge and got Tex's attention. "Hey...! Tex! Uh... Did you hear Church's secret plan to tell the Reds that you were fixing the tank?" he called to her. Tex glances at him before going back to the tank. Caboose turned and faced a facepalming Tucker. "I don't think she knows." he said, with a grin. slowly the grin faded. "...Unless she can read minds... She can't read minds, can she?" he asked Tucker. A groan was his only reponse. "...Can you hear what I'm thinking?" he shouted to Tex. This time the responce was a bullet whizzing past his head.


	19. Last one out, Hit the lights

A/N: I can't believe it. The first part of my first major project is now complete. Now, I present the final chapter for season 1. Also I don't own RVB.

English

_Spanish_

Grif, Simmons, and Lopez were keeping watch atop their base. "Hey." Simmons said, getting Grif's attention.

"Yeah?" Grif asked.

"You ever wonder why we're here?" Simmons asked once again.

Grif sighed. "No. I never, ever, wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch." he said.

Suddenly Church appeared behind Lopez and walked into the robot's body. "Keegakergerk!" Lopez vocalized as he fought against the intrusion before being subduded.

Simmons turned and looked at Lopez. "What? What's wrong with Lopez?" he asked Grif.

"I don't care." Grif informed him.

"Hey, Lopez, uh... you okay man?" Simmons asked, walking over to the brown robot.

"_Guys, I need to give... you a... warning..._" Church said haltingly, before shacking his head in confusion. "_What? Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish!" _Church panicked.

"Um... Sure..." Simmons said, slowly backing away from Lopez.

"_No, listen to me! The mean women is going to kill you! She is fixing the tank."_ Church shouted.

Back on the ledge Tucker checked and saw Tex was almost done fixing Sheila. He withdrew and informed his squadmate. "Aw, crap. Caboose, she's almost done fixing Sheila. I bettter radio Church and tell him what's going on."

"Oh! Oh! Oh! Tucker, please! Please! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker, please! Tuck-" Caboose spazzed.

Tucker sighed. "Yes, you can be the one who radios Church." he said in defeat.

"Thanks, man." Caboose said. Then he activated his radio. "Calling Church. Come in, Church. This is your close, personal friend, Private O'Malley." Caboose called.

Tucker whipped his head around hard enough to crack his neck. "O'Malley? You said your name was Caboose." he said confused.

"I never said that, you guys did!" Caboose told the fellow Spartan.

"Why didn't you correct us?" Tucker asked.

"Because I didn't want to be difficult." Caboose answered. He then activated his radio and connected to Church. "Come in, Private Church. Do you copy? Soldier unit Tex almost has the armor situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your... mission... ness." he said, clearing his throat. "How is your progression?" he finally asked.

"_Caboose! No one here is listening to me! I can only speak Spanish for some reason!_" Church shouted through the radio.

"He says he wants to talk to you." Caboose told Tucker.

Suddenly, there was a loud rumbling from brlow them. "Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank." Shelia announced.

"Oh shit. We got trouble." Tucker said, panicked.

Back at Red Base, Church was still trying to comunicate with Grif and Simmons. "A large... tank!" he said slowly.

"Hey. I think if you're gonna live in this country, you should speak the language." Grif complained to Church.

"Target locked." Sheila announced from across the canyon.

"What country? We're on an alien planet." Simmons pointed out.

"What're you, a communist?" Grif spat back. Suddenly Sheila fired a round, taking a chunk out of the side of the base. "Son of a bitch!" he cried.

"Son of a bitch!" Simmons shouted.

"_Son of a bitch!_" Chuch exclaimed.

Back at the ledge, Tucker was talking to Caboose while the dumb Blue was looking through the sniper scope. "Okay, I'm getting really sick of asking people what's going on through that sniper rifle." he groaned.

"Chuch is getting mad at us." Caboose told him, watching Lopez's body throwing heavy things around and shouting in Spanish.

"Ohhhhh. Well that's a nice change of pace." Tucker sighed.

Back at Red Base, Sarge was driving the Warthog around the base. "Simmons, I'm coming around in the Warthog. Get ready to take the gunner position when I come by." he radioed Simmons.

"Roger that." Simmons said, as Sheila fired again and taking another chunk out of the already crumbling base.

"I'll uh... I'll stay here." Grif said, cowering behind a small embankment of sandbags.

"Yeah. Stay here, and guard this cement ramp. It's _vital_ to our success." Simmons told him. Sarge appeared at the base of ramp. Simmons hopped on. "Alright, I'm on board." he told sarge and they took off.

"Alright, here's the plan-" Sarge started to say, before a round from Sheila hit the rear passenger wheel and destroyed the Warthog. The force of the explosion launched Sarge and Simmons. "JUNEBUG!" Sarge shouted before he faced planted into gravel.

Grif watched as his commander and teammate ran back to the base and back up tthe ramp. They collapsed due to the adrenaline crash soon after. "Wow, back so soon? You guys win the war already?" Grif asked.

"Yeah, uh, did you want to finish telling me the plan now, Sarge?" Simmons asked, holding a stich in his side.

"If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly." Sarge panted.

Grif knelt down next to Simmons and said "Uh, hey, Simmons? By the way... The ramp is secure."

Suddenly Sheila announced "Target locked." and fired again. This time the shell fit the ground of the base. Tex was trying to hit their ammo depot and blow up the entire base, plus half the canyon.

Back at the base, Donut walked up the ramp, back from his ferlow in the Red Army Hospital. "Hey, what're you guys doin' up here?" he asked, oblivious to the tank trying to destroy the base.

"That chick in black armor's back!" Grif informed him as more cannon fire exploded in front of the base.

"What chick? The one that stuck the grenade to my head?" Donut asked, eyes flashing in anger.

"That's the one." Simmons confirmed.

"The same chick whose fault it is that I'm stuck in light red armor?" Donut asked, now offically pissed.

"Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but really, dude... It's a whole lot faster just to say pink." Grif griped.

"Ohho! Oh, I've been waiting for this." he said. He ran up to the edge of the base and called out "Hey, bitch! Remember me! I saved something for ya!" He ignited a plasma grenade and launched it.

All the eyes in the canyon were latched to that spitting ball of plasma. "Man, that girl's got a really good arm." Tucker said in amazement.

Tex had just uncovered the Red's ammo depot when she heard a hissing spitting sound. She looked up just to see the grenade slip through the cage covering driver's seat and attach itself to her cheast piece. "Aw, CRAP!" she cursed before it detonated, mortally injuring her and disabling Sheila.

"Hell yeah! Three points, you dirty whore!" Donut's victorious shouts echoed around the canyon.

"_My God, no! Texas, Texas!_" Church shouted as he ran off the base and toward the smoking tank.

"Uh, where's Lopez going?" Grif asked Sarge.

"To fight the enemy head on in hand-to-hand combat. Mano e mano. What a brave little compadre. Lopez, I never understood a word you said. But I do know one thing: You hated Grif, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios, amigo... Adios." Sarge answered, wiping away a tear.

"Shouldn't we help him?" Simmons asked.

"Naw... That would just ruin the moment." Sarge replied.

Meanwhile Church had reached where Tex had dragged herself out of the damaged tank. "Church, is that you? It-it's gone, Church. The A.I., it's gone. Thank you. Heeeee, bleah..." she said as she died in his arms. Church craddled her body to his and began to cry.

Tucker watched this through the sniper rifle while Caboose was staring at the cliff wall. "Crap. Church is goinng to be pissed, and now he's got a body to kick our ass. Come on, Caboose, Let's go back to base." he told his teammate.

"I told you, my name isn't Caboose..." Caboose said before turning around. Suddenly his voice changed, becoming deeper and more violent. "My name... is... _O'Malley_...!" he finished.


End file.
